setting
Index was once a small and close-knit community, but the town located on the western side of Washington state has grown in recent years beyond anyone's expectations. It is the ideal place for those who work in Seattle but can't afford the city's high real estate prices, and for others the natural beauty attracts them to the town. And Index truly is a beautiful place - surrounded by thick evergreen trees, tall mountains and glistening rivers and lakes. While weather is typically rainy with overcast skies even this does nothing to take away from the beauty of the town, and it is only highlighted further when the heavy snow graces the town and caps the mountains in winter. To many, Index would seem like a paradise. And yet lurking beneath this visual beauty there is more to this town than anyone might ever imagine...

Current Time in Index, Washington:
rules
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 [Private] It Can Always Get Worse - Page 4

[Private] It Can Always Get Worse

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Re: [Private] It Can Always Get Worse

Lilith Alysbury | Wolf; Warlord/Battlelord

Posted on Fri Jun 02, 2017 3:53 am

My teeth sliced together. Gums aching from the strain. Apologies. I hated others being sorry just as much as I despised being sorry myself. Couldn’t find enough anger to open my mouth and sourly protest. The atmosphere of this place sat heavily on my shoulders. The realization that someone I had cared about, yet another person I had loved had died. Had died hating me. That I had destroyed that connection Vega and I had. “No-one would have replaced her for me. For you either I guess.” She was and always would be my Grandmother. I didn’t like putting labels on love. Sona would be mortified if I told her I refered to her as my Mother in my head. Whadda tryin’ ta say Luxx? That I’m old!? Humans put nametags on things. Pricing them off as having different attributes as something of the same description. Unconditional love for family. Lovers. Friends. It was actually all the same shit they just didn’t get it. The word because of that had lost all meaning to me. I still had to use it to describe the emotion but it definitely fell short of the mark. Was funny to think that when I spoke everyone read into what I was saying differently and yet I was admitting to myself that words themselves did have little meaning to me. Actions did speak louder than words. Huh.

My fingers briefly clenched around his arm before I drew my hand back. Knowing that she was happy did help. There was no point in being distraught over what had happened. Should be rolling my eyes at myself for thinking that I could have found closure. Redemption was a Phoenix. A hint of the fucking thing made hope rise from the ashes. Like fuck, I was ever going to be allowed to cage the fucking bird. I’d be forced to watch it go up in puff of smoke. Time and time again. Yet knowing that still didn’t prepare me when faced with that elusive possibility. “Reprisal’s Spiritual Leader could have done with her help. She’s in way over her head.” I sighed and sat down real close next to him, on the unspewed rock. Thank fuck for burning sage. Was numbed to everything anyway. Just disgustingly aware of pulsing from the wound in my chest. Dying veins and nerve endings. Struggling organs. “Until she fucking has a revelation we’re stuck with this.” I raised a leg and pushed the foot against the bottom of the rock the scrying bowl was carved into. “The unsafe method of seeking peace.” I had no time to teach her everything I knew. What little I knew. Vega would have been the perfect teacher. Sighing again I rubbed the tears off my cheeks hastily with the balls of my palms probably smearing them with ash from around the lip of the bowl.

“That was the fucked part I warned you about.” This was okay. We weren’t specifically talking about it. Would have made that deal with Onyx too if I’d known what was going to happen. He and I had never really, had a heart to heart. Rather whatever that had been seen and felt was used as further ammunition in our arguments. Wondered how the Ancestors had shown him Sona. Whether it was as fucked up as I had seen or whether the Fanger blood was just screwing up my transmission. He had called it a nightmare. Though I guess to him seeing the despicable Lone Wolf having family was a shitshow he didn’t want to believe. Certainly had not made him give any fucks about the fact she was currently imprisoned. Colder than ice that Wolf. “When performed by a Spiritual Leader its nothing like that. Our subconscious just ran into one another for a moment. You got given a part of me and me a part of you.” Had already known if I had explained that he would have checked right out. I’d needed him as reassurance of connection. Not that it had mattered when the person I was contacting didn’t want to speak with me. “Wait…”

Looking up at the basin to Vegas head still resting on the side of it I had a thought. Last time it had just been Onyx and myself. The Ancestors had directly controlled the trajectory of the visions. Picked what they wanted us to see. This time Apollo and I had a guide. Without her physical presence, her influence, she wouldn’t have been able to stop the freak show but maybe…. “I’m going to ask one fucky question. One that if you answer I’ll promise not to tell Matrix.” Why the fuck that would matter I had no idea. That wolf had been avoiding me just as much as I had been dodging him. Apollo didn’t need to know that I didn’t want to hold conversations with any of the Sequoia for any length of time regardless. That I didn’t even have time to if I wanted. “Technically its kinda going back on the previous promise but you know what they say about making deals with Lones.” I gave him a weak grin, then let out a strangled breath. This didn’t even really matter in the bigger scheme of things but that didn’t make me stop asking. “Did they…she..did Vega show you my Mom?”

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Paul Thacker
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Re: [Private] It Can Always Get Worse

Paul Thacker | Wolf; Warlord/Battlelord

Posted on Sun Jun 04, 2017 6:26 pm

Vega had almost instantaneously stepped in once she realized what we went through with Belinda. Even before we saw the problem. I’d felt duped, and can almost feel that moment of realizing your parents weren’t perfect. Of realizing your mom cared about some goddamn chemical more than her own children. It was almost that instant when Vega began coming over, bringing dinner because “Rigel wasn’t hungry” and she wanted to share. When she watched training exercises like she was a proud parent at a football game. She stepped in to fill Belinda’s void as soon as it had been made. Maybe she was why I felt nothing for the woman who put me in the world. She wasn’t my mother. She stepped in for Belinda as soon as… as soon as she knew. So I don’t know if it makes sense, but it’s kinda like I’ve got another hole. One that’s been there a long time but never showed. One I never even noticed until now.  Was it our situation that had me rambling my inner thoughts like I was drunker n’ Otis Campbell? To her?

Shit, Luxx, maybe I shouldn’t know that, I shook my head but I was grinning too, as if I wouldn’t have found out we were flying blind. Maybe Elara can help? I blurted out which was probably a mistake, but why the fuck should I care? I felt the voice of Matrix slip back in, and he’d be doing more than warning me to be nice. He’d tell me something along the lines of burning her while I had the chance. Unsafe, I don’t even know if that’s what I’d call it..

Wait, I’d assumed fucked was, I don’t know, like being high on Matrix’s jazz cabbage. Or maybe trippy tie dye psychedelic trippiness. Was this what she meant? The sad thing, was that I wasn’t sure which part was the fucked part, the blood and the worms or the part where Luxx was in love with me. (Was, or is? Pretty damn important distinction if you ask me.) I knew the answer, I’d felt the answer in the dream, but I was fighting that revelation. Why did I suddenly feel, fuck, violated wasn’t the right word. Should have assumed with the blood and thought it might be a bit twisted in my mind that I was more okay with that part of it than my mind. Just what the hell did she see? What could she have seen about me? My plans for training? The unease I felt around the new alpha? This was exactly why she didn’t want to talk about this. Maybe that was a good thing.

I tensed up, but I did what I could not to let it show. Yeah, whatever, Luxx. Maybe I could lie, if she asked me what I saw. If she went there but the thought process had me suddenly wanting to go there. Wanting to know the question I’d asked myself earlier - “Is or was”? I loosened as her question slipped and it was nowhere near what I’d expected. My head shot to her, my brows close together and I just shook my head. No? Should she have?

Did I want to do this? A detail popped up in my brain and I took shit like that as a sign: the bracelet.  As much as I wasn’t even sure what I’d do with the answer, I had to ask. I get a fucky question too, Luxx. Show me your wrists. My eyes met hers, for nothing else than to show that I wasn’t kidding.

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Re: [Private] It Can Always Get Worse

Lilith Alysbury | Wolf; Warlord/Battlelord

Posted on Mon Jun 05, 2017 10:18 pm

Voids left by people. Fuck why did the conversation have to take a twist into the deep and meaningful? Didn’t even feel weird. I knew I normally would have felt uncomfortable. Talking about matters of the heart. Especially with someone who didn’t believe I had one. Yet knowing I was about to die. Feeling like I could at any moment. Had me automatically not bothering to shield myself. I’d told Apollo I had nothing to lose while growling into his face in the mall. That statement was truer now. I literally had nothing to lose that he could take from me presently. The only person who had that level of power was Onyx. He could damn my soul or save it. “Can’t think of any other way to describe it, but I’m sure you’ll appreciate the country euphemism.” Always cringed when a flash of bumpkin came tumbling out of his mouth. Reminded me of Sona. “We’ve always been like chalk and cheese.” As I said it I had to wince. Sounded even more awful in my voice. “Now we share something in common. Vega might not have been such a longstanding important figure in my life in comparison to yours but…” I paused realizing for a moment that my arm had been pressed up against his. Warmth pushing itself through the thick panes of my jacket. Alerting me to the fact. I moved slightly, rubbing my hand up and down my upper arm absentmindedly, drumming my fingers ever so slightly. “..I’ve never been able to repair holes. Once my soul recognizes another, that’s it. We’ll both have unfillable voids.” I had been drawn to Vega because she was a Spiritual Leader. They would always and forever, fill me with awe. When she had opened her arms to me was when I had realized she was much more than just a rank, a connection to the Ancestors. Bonding with her had been that permanent adhesive. Knowing she knew me, saw me and still wanted to spend time with me.

Probably shouldn’t have mentioned anything about Olympia’s retardation but then who was going to be able to scold me later? At least someone needed to know that she needed help. She didn’t seem the type to fucking ask for any so with any luck others offering might light a fire under her arse. When Apollo mentioned Elara I stiffened. Curling my fingers to form fists. Resting them in my lap. That little bitch got on my nerves. She was a passive aggressive piece of work. Never directly insulting me. Always smiling sweetly. If I’d remotely tried to spark to her underhanded complimentary comments she would laugh, like she always fucking did, and claim I was overreacting. That I just needed another drink. Always picking at me in a way that painted her as a fucking coward. What was fucked is that on the odd occasion I’d noticed that it got to me. I’d worn drag queen level platforms to one party just due to weeks of goddamn jabs at my height. Had no idea how the little cunt had managed to get under my skin but she had. Vega had almost inadvertently fuelled that hatred because whenever Elara and Apollo were off in a little huddle, she would make sure I stayed away. Watching them with this little smile on her face, telling me that I “Needed to learn to fight for things that mattered.” Taking a leaf from the Ancestors book and being cryptic as all fuck. “Sure. If she manages to find time in her busy schedule of sitting on your dick.”

A brief wave of fear overtook me when he said no. Don’t know why it really mattered what he had been shown. The fact I had thought I’d known had prepared me for the violation of having memories of someone shown to another against my will. Considering Vega had shown me something that just screamed, You are an absolute shitbag Luxx, now had me wondering what crappy part of myself she had dragged up to shove in Apollo’s face. Why in the fuck was he sitting here talking to me then? “That’s what Onyx was given. Among other things.” He seemed to linger on topics of home often around me so that had also been a kick in the teeth. “Guess I just assumed you would get the same medicine. Though now that I know Vega hates me it doesn’t surprise me that she didn’t show you something that might make you pity me.” Fuck. Thinking about it in that way. How Onyx reacted was better than I could have imagined. That he hadn’t given me a fucking hug and patted the poor little Lone on the head. I smiled briefly at that thought.

I held Apollo’s eyes for a moment. My gaze completely blank of expression. Before it finally crumpled into annoyed confusion. “Why? Did you hear the rumors that I’m on fucking meth and that’s why I look like this?” Wasn’t like I’d tried to correct anyone. Bullshit like that, having Wolves believe something that wasn’t true was just beautiful. Redirected their attention away from the truth. Not that I imagined any of them would guess what the real issue was. “Want to see the track marks first hand? Or maybe you’re hoping that I’ve become a cutter.” Fuck him. “Alright, alright.” Before he could protest about answering my odd question and me not reciprocating when his fucking request was simple, though utterly bizarre, I roughly pulled up both my sleeves. My pale skin seemed to glow in the dark, aided by the moonlight that now filtered through the shaft in the cave. Ribbons of veins noticeable in both my wrists. I was about to snarl out a quip about bursting his bubble when my eyes zeroed in on something snaking around my skinny limb. Shit. When I’d gone to dig up my bundle of precious objects I’d just put on the bracelet I’d stolen from Apollo. Having forgotten about it, I hadn’t removed it. Though I had been intending on leaving it in my room with the canteen. Hoping he didn’t remember it after all this time I just displayed my arms. “See, no needle tracks, asshole.”

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Paul Thacker
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Re: [Private] It Can Always Get Worse

Paul Thacker | Wolf; Warlord/Battlelord

Posted on Tue Jun 06, 2017 8:07 pm


I snorted silently and shook my head at her comparison. Didn’t mean to you know, try to compete with this. Even if there was a part of me who wanted to. A part of me who still felt like she’d used Vega as some kind of fill-in spiritual leader while she was a lone. My insult at the mall hadn’t been from nowhere but seeing her this distraught over it had changed my mind. My mind began racing connecting dots, and some lines were curvy and broken, some thick and black as tar. Had Luxx always kept herself so close to me before? Was she answering my question without me asking? Shit, was this why Elara seemed to hate her? Apparently I was a few cards short of a deck when it came to noticing these things, but it was all an act anyway. Well, or so I thought. I didn’t budge because moving meant I’d noticed. She seemed so different, completely lost and weak like a heavy gust of wind could send her flying away as dust. I just kept my gaze up, trying to keep her limited to my peripheral vision.

My eyes shot wide open, and my cheeks grew red red from both anger and embarrassment. Elara and I had shared some moments, even more after Sequoia had lost Rigel. Almost like the pressure of our predetermined relationship had dissipated. She had to have been more obvious than Luxx, because I recognized that. Elara had held my hand when walking, place her hand on my cheek during deep conversations. Part of me knew, part of me assumed it was just part of her spiritual side. Someone’s jealous. If my eyes could open any wider they did. Didn’t mean to spit that one out, seriously didn’t but something like that was bound to happen because the shit was just bubbling up in me but I was too confused to know just what to let out. Shit, didn’t mean for it to come out that way. I tried to quickly recover but had no idea what I was in for after that bomb. Then again, what else had she expected me to say? Something felt jabby about it even without what I’d seen and even someone as clueless as I was would have even noticed that. It was straight off an MTV teen drama. Not that I watched those. That was my sister.

As reluctant as I am to admit it, I finally rolled my head over to look at her, even smiling, She doesn’t hate you. I looked away again and squinted my eyes, a slight irritation returning to my tone as I remembered our fight at the mall. Thought you didn’t want my pity. It was a damn weird thing to say anyway, made me wonder if she’d specifically wanted me to see the zombie version of Luxx. Wanted me to see some twisted vision so I’d feel sorry for her. And I wouldn’t say I was feeling sorry for her. Or at least that wasn’t the right way to say the reason I was being so damn nice to her. Good lord calm down, woman. It’s not about drugs, even if you look like- Fuck I wasn’t finishing that or touching it with a ten foot pole.

I actually didn’t expect to see it, and didn’t know how it was there. Was immediately checking my nightstand when I got home. Still no idea what to say, so I simply tugged on the bracelet with my index finger but my eyes didn’t leave hers. My lips firmly together and I inhaled through my nose. My hand fell again to my side and I looked up at the ceiling. She did say we couldn’t talk about what we saw, but I could show her, right?

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Re: [Private] It Can Always Get Worse

Lilith Alysbury | Wolf; Warlord/Battlelord

Posted on Wed Jun 07, 2017 4:17 am

“I wasn’t either.” I’d often gone down that road. Making my situation look worse than everyone else's. Trying my best to have them see that being a Lone was the worst thing imaginable. That nothing else they could experience would top it. No matter the potential draw of being a commander of your own destiny without the ties of pack, it wasn’t a beautiful thing. Telling someone that their pain wasn’t as bad as yours was horrible. I knew it was. I had known it then too and I had fed off that. It all worked towards what I had been trying to do and now that would forever work against me. Now that I knew that there were worse things that being a Lone. Made it all the more terrible. “I’m also not saying you were.” Didn’t matter if he was. They could all assume that what they felt, what they were going through trumped my issues. I’d let them all believe that. The Ancestors had always told me I was strong. My Doppleganger reiterated that fact. Sona and Vega had pointed it out. I didn’t feel that way right now. I’d lost that spark and that’s why I was sitting next to someone who fucking hated me instead of getting up and leaving. Knowing I was being weak didn’t stop me from feeling that way though. I’d have to find a way. Somehow. Before I faced my death because I really, really, didn’t want to die a coward.

“Yeah you fucking did.” My voice was monotone and subdued even though I wished it wasn’t. I could find moments, brief flickering moments where I felt like the old me. They burst out before I could bottle them. Needed a back supply of that shit so I could use it for when I needed it the most. Rather than getting fucking pissy about having to show someone my wrists. That shit didn’t matter. I needed that rage as a shield to hide other more important fuckery. “I am jealous but whatever it hardly matters.” I mumbled because I didn’t really want to say it. I’d been beating myself down and then trying to lift myself up for weeks. I didn’t have the strength to continue. I wasn’t strong. Not anymore and I didn’t rightly know how that had happened and how to fix it. Elara had a lot of things she probably took for granted and I hated her for that now more than I ever had for the pussy ass way she had expressed her dislike of me. She had a pack. She was a legitimate Spiritual Leader that hadn’t been introduced to the fold with nefarious intentions. She was free to love. To think she tried to hurt me with jabs about my height and my drinking problem when all she needed to do was just fucking exist. This is why it fucking hurt to be around Wolves didn’t it? A reminder of all the things I couldn’t have and yet wanted so badly.

“I don’t want anyone's pity.” My disposition brightened a little when I looked up to Vegas head. She hadn’t given him something to make him feel sorry for me. Maybe Paul was right, she didn’t hate me. I’d just assumed that because she didn’t want to speak with me meant she despised me and the thought of doing so filled her with disgust. Could this be just one of those fucked up Spiritual Leader things, where she was trying to tell me I was strong enough that I didn’t need her to hold my hand? Fuck sake I was going to think about this for fucking days wasn’t I? Or maybe I’d forget because I had been doing that a lot lately. My brain just wasn’t working properly anymore. Perhaps I was just grabbing at straws because I had nothing to hold on to right now but knew I shouldn’t need to. Slippery fingers.

Would have been better if it had been about drugs. Could have dealt with that because when he made note of the bracelet around my wrist I tensed up. He stared at me for a while and I just blankly looked right back not knowing what he had been looking for. If it had anything to do with the fact I was wearing his property then I had a feeling I knew what it was about. “I’m not a fucking thief. I’ve told you that before.” There had been an incident with his fucking transformers kiddy blanket thing in the past. Where I had taken it. I had been intending to return it but then had lost track of time. Kinda like my issue with Onyx’s leather jacket really. I’d borrowed it for whatever fucking reason and still bloody had it. I’d just taken the blanket on my own personal camping trip, that had ended up being extended from one day to several. When I’d been found rolled up in it like a burrito in front of the ashes of a fire near the lake, all hell had broken loose. “Why…?” The confusion set in and it wasn’t just due to the fact he’d asked to see my wrists but couldn’t possibly have known I was wearing his bracelet. “Guess you were shown something about me being a liar huh? Whatever, you can’t have it back. It’s mine now. Less of a finders keepers deal and more of a, it’s been mine for so long it prefers my wrist.”

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