Index was once a small and close-knit community, but the town located on the western side of Washington state has grown in recent years beyond anyone's expectations. It is the ideal place for those who work in Seattle but can't afford the city's high real estate prices, and for others the natural beauty attracts them to the town. And Index truly is a beautiful place - surrounded by thick evergreen trees, tall mountains and glistening rivers and lakes. While weather is typically rainy with overcast skies even this does nothing to take away from the beauty of the town, and it is only highlighted further when the heavy snow graces the town and caps the mountains in winter. To many, Index would seem like a paradise. And yet lurking beneath this visual beauty there is more to this town than anyone might ever imagine...

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 [Private] The Hardest Part is Forgetting Those You Swore You'd Never Forget - Page 4

[Private] The Hardest Part is Forgetting Those You Swore You'd Never Forget

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Well you’re assuming I fucked Gabe. I weirdly wished that I was recording him being such a confusing asshole, because I felt like I could show it to him later once he calmed the fuck down and he would be sooo fucking embarrassed because he was so wrong. So if I’ve… fucked… every person that I get flirty with, that means I’ve fucked half of Index. God, that would be twisted later, and was probably a huge mistake for me to say to him. Shit, why the hell was I answering to him about this subject anyway? Who I fucked really.. had never been any of his business.

Okay, maybe except for once. But he wouldn’t find out about that.

I was still cold as hell from my wet clothes, I was tired of arguing but at the same time I wasn’t finished yet, and I still had that fucking bomb to deal with that he had dropped on me. What was worse, was his answer. Both. One simple word, and so many things it meant in what his answer lacked. I walked over to my couch and fell onto it, sighing. Basically, he didn’t correct me, I’d made sure to phrase the question present tense. And as confusing as I’m being right now, I’m saying that he basically implied that he still loved me. I didn’t want to be loved. It was fucking complicated to be loved. You had responsibilities when someone loved you, you had rules, limits, restrictions. I didn’t want that shit.

I crossed my arms across my chest, pulling myself in a huddle because I was really tired of being cold and wet, but the timing was terrible to just say, “Excuse me, I’m gonna go put something dry on.” I couldn’t reply to that answer, because I couldn’t return it. I had no clue what to say. I just left the door open for him to come in and stay, at least until we figured out what the fuck was going on, because I didn’t think either of us knew.

That’s funny, because I wanted to ask you the same thing. I don’t know what I want, but I’m not really sure what you want, either. I tried pushing thoughts away, the good ones, because they were clouding me. How handsome he’d looked in his work clothes, that whole contrast of bad boy and professional. His smile, the way his bed and clothes smelled. Fuck, no. No. It was like this more than it was like that, and besides, I just wasn’t right for him. I liked to have fun, I didn’t want limits, and apparently me flirting with someone else was too much for him. God, If he would ever find out about Brandon.. or even that I’ve fucked my roommate. Would he be as jealous over a girl? I was curious, but I wasn’t going to try to find out tonight.

I want things I can’t have, Gio, like.. I want you to be my friend but to also understand that I’m.. I’m not like.. a commitment kind of person. But apparently that… I mean that’s not going to work for you, is it?

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My eyebrows furrowed together as I glanced at her, my expression extremely fucking perplexed. Who the fuck says shit like that? Does she not give a fuck how I viewed her? Obviously fucking not. I felt so fucking disgusted just then. You’re so fucking dumb. Oh my god… I shook my head, covering my mouth as I looked up to the ceiling and attempted not to just fucking laugh in her face.  Who says something like that though? Way to help your fucking case, dipshit.

It felt like we just went back in time and we were back right where we left off. Fighting each other off and fighting our feelings for each other. They were there. Just when I thought they weren’t, they were still very much alive. I don’t care if she wouldn’t admit it, because the fact that she’s still here talking to me proves it. I’m not a fuckin’ dumbass.

What I want never fucking mattered to you anyways, so save your fucking breath, man. I retorted, crossing my arms over my chest and staring her dead in the eyes now. I was becoming fucking infuriated with her fucking mediocre questions. I could feel my body get warm and sweaty, despite the wet clothes. Being a wolf did come with some perks after all.

Hearing her say she wanted me as her friend nearly tore me apart and I couldn’t grasp the reasoning. What? I spat, the confusion shining through my expression as if to say “Did I hear you right?” So she thought of me as a friend? Bullshit! Obviously that wouldn’t fucking work for me. I get so fucking offended when you ask me dumb shit like this, like you have no fucking idea. It honestly seems like with you I always end up with the short end of the stick. That much I know was true.

So forgive me if I decided not to return her calls or check up on her while I was away. I wanted to hurt her as badly as she’d hurt me. However, she’ll never know exactly how much she’s hurt me…she’s too fucking blind and self-centered to see past her wants or needs. She’s a bitch, I don’t know why she has this hold on me. You know what, you just do way more harm for me than good. You’ve always been fucking with my feelings and I hate to talk about my emotions and shit…but I’m fucking sick and tired of the drama. If you can’t tell me that you love me too, then I’m leaving… There, I gave her an ultimatum. Fuck, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be disappointed by her again.

I wanted to fucking jump ship right now, but I had already fucking said what I had to say. I’m not even sure how I felt anymore. I just knew that after all this time I still couldn’t get her off my mind. She was always there in the back of my mind even when I left Index. She was the one thing I traced back to home and I desperately tried to change my perspective on her and fucking demonize her as much as I could. At the end of the day, I realized I still loved her. Shit, I love her…

Instantly, fear rushed over my body and my palms began to sweat. My body temperature was feeling abnormal. Michelle. I paused for a second. I fucking love you. I spoke with the most serious of voices I think I’d ever spoken in, it was usually hard for me to be serious and up front with my emotions, but it just sort of needed to come out. I had to leave. I headed towards the door but before stepping out turned to say, “Goodnight”. This was going to be a long walk home. I closed the door behind me.

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There was nothing coherent in my mind once he'd said it. That was the worst insult to me. You could call me fat, you could call me ugly, you could call me a whore or a slut, but don't you dare fucking try to make me feel stupid. I literally couldn't speak. All I could do was stand there, freezing cold but not even noticing anymore, my arms crossed over my chest. I just stared at him, I glared at him, almost wishing I could kill him with my eyes. I wouldn't, obviously, even if I could, but had I moved, had I spoke, the dam would be broken and I would have to physically hurt him. I was that furious.

A part of me wanted to do it, there was something inside that got excited once I remembered what he was. God, I couldn't do that to him, I couldn't let him hurt me because if he did feel about me the way he said, it would kill him. But... I wanted... where the fuck was this even coming from? I wanted to be physically hurt by him? The fuck?! But it would be better than his jabs, it would be better than him calling me fucking dumb. 

I had nothing to say to him, nothing at all. I tried, I kept trying. I'd open my mouth, and when he said something else it shut me right the fuck up again. My chest heaved, taking a deep breath, still too angry about the first thing he said to even take anything else seriously. How the fuck could he love me? And how was everything my fault? I wanted him to calm the fuck down and specifically tell me what I'd done to fuck up so bad other than just.. not be ready for what he wanted from me. How did that make me such a goddamn villain for being honest?

All this because I've put you in the friendzone. Fuck you, man, fuck you. If you can't understand that I... man just never mind it's not even worth trying to explain to you. You don't want to understand. You're a spoiled piece of shit who can't roll with a punch.

I let him leave, even though his words had started tearing my stomach into shreds and that tearing feeling was now rising to my chest. I locked the door behind him and punched it, knowing he'd hear the blow. It hurt my knuckles, good god did it hurt and I was actually surprised to see that they weren't bleeding. I was a weak son of a bitch, but... I liked that feeling. I punched the door again just to get even more of it, and now my knuckles bled. Yes. 

Mother fucker, I mumbled as I headed back to my bedroom, pulling out the first shit that came from my pajama drawers, and headed to the bathroom for a shower.

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