setting
Index was once a small and close-knit community, but the town located on the western side of Washington state has grown in recent years beyond anyone's expectations. It is the ideal place for those who work in Seattle but can't afford the city's high real estate prices, and for others the natural beauty attracts them to the town. And Index truly is a beautiful place - surrounded by thick evergreen trees, tall mountains and glistening rivers and lakes. While weather is typically rainy with overcast skies even this does nothing to take away from the beauty of the town, and it is only highlighted further when the heavy snow graces the town and caps the mountains in winter. To many, Index would seem like a paradise. And yet lurking beneath this visual beauty there is more to this town than anyone might ever imagine...

Current Time in Index, Washington:
rules
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 [Private] Blood Drops - Page 3

[Private] Blood Drops

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Re: [Private] Blood Drops

Vincent Sawyer Byrne | Wolf; Pack Master/Alpha

Posted on Tue Jun 30, 2015 5:43 am

You underestimate me and my stamina. It just slipped out, but I had to say it. What the fuck did she know about me when it came to that shit? Was she trying to take a dig? What was next? Making fun of the size of my dick? Jesus fucking Christ, maybe I was beat up but I could still fucking perform just goddamned fine.

There's no infection in me, it's in the fucking world. I muttered as I let her ''clean my wounds''. But the second the wipe touched my skin I jolted back. The fuck?! What was the point in this? I'd be fucking fine, and yeah, maybe I'd grown too fucking accustomed to physical injury, and maybe I needed to stitch myself up or suffer through the agony that comes with physical injury more than a man would experience in ten lifetimes. But that was just it, we were wolves, it didn't fucking matter. We were resilient. I harmed myself more because my fucking body could take it. It was second fucking nature to me.

I flinched, but this time it wasn't because of the shit she was doing to my injuries, it was the words that came out of her own damned mouth. ''Maybe I was wrong''. It wasn't a full blown fucking confession, there was a ''maybe'' thrown in there, but my stomach twisted up regardless. Shit all I wanted to hear from people for a long time was them admitting they're wrong, but now that I'd heard it I wasn't sure I fucking liked it. It wasn't as gratifying as I thought it would be. It was just fucking weird, it was awkward, and I had no fucking idea how to respond. M-Maybe? I just looked at her, frowning over wide eyes like she was speaking a language I didn't understand, Hell, even what I said was spoken in a confused tone, I wasn't even sure of my own fucking response. Was this a trap? If I said ''fuck yeah you're wrong'' would she turn around and lose her fucking mind over it? Or was she being honest? I wasn't falling for it, I wasn't taking the risk of saying anything else, this was dangerous fucking territory.

Attack, fight, what's the difference anyway? Someone gets hurt no matter which way you look at it. Maybe this was fucking karma. Yeah I'd done some shit that I wasn't proud of, and I'd gotten off too damned easy. I was providing an imbalance in the world. You do something shit, and you need to be punished one way or another, and my own damned mind had blocked out the shit things I'd done for so long, guilt wasn't even an acceptable consequence anymore. I ignored her obvious attempt to get me to speak further. Because saying ''Oh hey, I killed a wolf once because I felt like it.'' wasn't exactly a good fucking idea.

I listened to her, and I hated that I could fucking relate. Maybe it was different for her, I mean fuck, of course it was different for her, she was a different person. But I could still fucking relate to some degree. For the record, they'll always say that shit. I don't know if you're referencing me, or them, but if you're talking about them then I can say they'll always be that way. They act like we're one big family, that we have more of a bond than any other species, but they'll never look at a turned wolf the same as they do their born wolves. We're the black sheep of our species, that's just the way it is. I'd heard it a million times, ''he's turned, he didn't earn rank.'' Fuck, I still heard it, it'd been so fucking long since Odin passed and they were still fucking saying it.

All I want is what you want, if you mean all of what you just said anyway. But there has to be some kind of balance. If they don't accept you, then they won't accept your ideas or your opinion. At some point, you have to accept that you'll never be as connected to all of them as say Orion, or Odin, or Ollurian. Sometimes, and maybe this will come out sounding fucked, but... Sometimes you have to beat them at their own game. Sometimes you have to pretend you want something different, sometimes you have to pretend you want chaos to get peace when it comes to them. You say jump, they sit, you say sit, they jump. Maybe it's fucked up, but I don't think so. I think it's just... working with what the universe has given you to work with.

Was I trying to make her feel better, or was I trying to make myself feel better? At this point I didn't know, but I was being fucking honest. Maybe I wasn't trying to make either of us feel better, maybe I was just speaking the truth, with no reason attached. Hell she needed to hear it didn't she? She needed to understand how this works. Sometimes in life, you need to just figure out what things you need to accept will never change, and what things you can change. Maybe she didn't see it that way, maybe she did, but I wouldn't take anything I just said back. I meant every word.

I couldn't help but feel she was holding back. Did she even fucking mean what she said? Or was she holding back what she really meant to say? Fuck... Maybe she was beating me at my own game. I had basically just fucking admitted that reverse psychology worked on them, was she using it on me? Was it fucking working?!

I ignored the feeling the best I could and stood up to look at myself in the mirror. My reflection made it clear, I was fucked up, but it did look a lot fucking worse than it really was. With the bullshit cleaned up I almost looked like myself again... Almost... That's uh... Fuck that's kinda cool, not even going to pretend it isn't. Fuck why couldn't I be given something like that? I'd trade my ability for that so fast it'd make your head spin. What's the range on that shit? Can you just pop up in Sweden in a blink of an eye or? I paused, continuing to examine my reflection in the mirror as she talked. Don't underestimate speed and agility, we have plenty of fucking tanks in our midst. In fact, we're kinda limited on the former. I can't tell you how many fangers have slipped away because we just can't keep up.

I actually fucking laughed. I didn't even have her ability and I'd even fucking thought of how epic that'd be. So these murderous thoughts... I turned back to look at her, They directed at anyone in particular?

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Re: [Private] Blood Drops

Rohana Khan | Wolf; Spiritual Leader

Posted on Wed Jul 01, 2015 10:54 am

I looked up at Vincent from one raised eyebrow and then had to look away, trying to stifle a smirk. It was probably untrue and incredibly mean, but I'd overheard other wolves talking about Vincent's expertise, or lack of, in the bedroom department, and one thing that had been repeated was his lack of stamina. His ridiculous attitude when injured made it even more laughable, but at the same time the fact his pack gossiped about things like that made it even more pathetic. There was no need for me to join in on the pettiness, especially not when he was hurt. It didn't mean I was going to take his comments lying down though, I just wasn't prepared to kick him while he was down. I reigned in any traces of a smirk and rolled my eyes. Quote Begin Maybe you're underestimating your injuries.Quote End I said, looking up to Vincent just before pressing an antiseptic wipe hard down over a cut on his arm.

I didn't agree with Vincent's arguing about infection, but one thing he said stuck out. Quote Begin Is that from a song? It sounds poetic.Quote End I commented, ignoring any and all of Vincent's protests. I simply focused on cleaning him up and not dirtying my bathroom too much in the process.

My gaze darted back to his at the small question, frowning up at his confusion. I had to swallow down a sense of pride too, because I'd wanted to be right, and to do what was right, but in truth it hadn't ended out like that. Quote Begin I experienced the other wolves before I properly met you, and I assumed that because they were like that you were either a bad leader, or just like them. I was wrong to assume that and I can see that now, even if I did only want to help. It's not as simple as I thought it was. Quote End I shrugged a little and let out a sigh. It seemed like nothing in my life could be simple. I didn't begrudge the challenge but it did get wearing after a while.

Quote Begin Maybe fight or attack are both the right words, or both the wrong words. I don't know, just that it wasn't right. Quote End I took his hand and lifted it up, showing him his obviously undamaged knuckled and hands. No defensive injuries spoke for themselves, as well as Vincent's avoidance of my questioning and his strange ramblings about not fighting back. Quote Begin You chose not to defend yourself?Quote End I asked softly, letting his hand drop and studying his injured face, struggling to understand. As the Alpha, wasn't he stronger than any of the other wolves? I was all for change and progression and peaceful protest, but if someone came up and attacked me there was no way I was just going to let them beat me seven shades of purple. If anything, most of the fighting technique I knew were all self-defence and aimed to disarm, not hurt or kill. I couldn't understand why Vincent hadn't struck out to at least escape his attackers.

I sat, quietly, taking in what Vincent said. I couldn't help thinking how difficult it must have been for him if he thought similarly to me, trying to cope with the pack. I just had to look at where it had got him to see how difficult it was. Quote Begin I'm used to being the black sheep... that's not the problem. I just wish they could see that the way they think is just hurting them.Quote End I bit at my lip, worrying it. The wolves that had been targeted by vampires.. couldn't the remaining pack see that if they were better trained, they wouldn't be at such a risk? I glanced back up to Vincent, eyebrows rising as I realised what he was saying. Quote Begin Reverse psychology? It feels wrong, in a way... but, the most important thing should be keeping everyone safe..Quote End I frowned as I said it, knowing that in an ideal world, I'd explain everything to the wolves, using reason and logic to get them to understand and obey. However, it wasn't an ideal world and it seemed they hated reason or logic if it interfered with their having fun and burying their heads in the sand. Quote Begin Life gives you lemons.. make lemonade.Quote End I said vaguely, thinking how aptly the phrase went with the situation. Any wolf that wanted to do the right thing and also try to influence the others, just had to work with what we had. Quote Begin I just don't know how to get them to accept me without pretending to be a completely different person... and I don't think I can do that.Quote End I added on, sadly. I sighed and swept a strand of hair back from my face. Quote Begin I don't know.. maybe I'm overthinking it. I just never thought I'd be flung back into a high school scenario. Maybe I need time to figure it out..Quote End That was what it felt like among the rest of the pack. The worst part was in actual high school I'd just studied as hard as possible, focusing on getting grades and getting out of school as soon as possible. The social aspect barely crossed my mind. But the pack wasn't something I could just work through and leave. I had to stick with it and try to work it out.

Quote Begin Yeah?Quote End My head shot up, surprised that the pack master seemed to think my gift was so impressive. Quote Begin I... don't really know about Sweden or anywhere as far as that. I have to know the place and visualise it in my head, but maybe with enough training it would be possible? I keep hitting a wall, teleporting too far or too often and I.. uh...Quote End I grimaced at the thought of it, Quote Begin Started bleeding from my ears after one teleportation. Usually it's just a bad headache that warns me I'm going too hard, too fast. Practicing's been building up my stamina towards it and meaning I can go further.. it's what I'm focusing on at the moment.Quote End Between work and practicing my gift, I'd had little time to spare. It had been the reason for my interrupted evening of relaxation, though I could hardly begrudge Vincent for it with him in the state he was in. The chick flick was still barely audible on the TV in the other room.

I sat down on the edge of the bath, waiting for Vincent to stop inspecting himself but keeping an eye on him nonetheless. I let out a low giggle that Vincent found what I'd said amusing rather than mutinous, smiling at how contrasting he seemed to be against everything I expected. Was it the head injury? I pressed my lips together, staring at him and wondering whether to reveal any of my annoyances. It seemed unprofessional, but then Brutus was thoroughly unprofessional and it was nice to let off steam for once. Knowing that Vincent actually thought more similarly to myself than I'd ever have guessed too made me feel more comfortable about it. The situation between pack master and pack wasn't like boss and employee like I'd envisioned before, it was so much more and different to that.

Quote Begin Brutus.Quote End I sighed. Quote Begin The pack as a whole can be annoying at times, but when Brutus took over training when Peyton stood in for you, he wouldn't get off my back about my wanting to actually train.Quote End One of the problems was also that he obviously wanted to get on my back in an entirely different way, which I wasn't about to complain to Vincent about, and I wouldn't touch the idiot if he was the last wolf left on earth. I'd made that obvious the moment he failed to show me any respect at all... and of course that did nothing to help the me vs them vibes I got from the pack. Quote Begin I know he's a warlord, it's just difficult to respect him at all from the way he acts.Quote End I folded my arms, looking appealingly up to Vincent and hoping I hadn't said too much. For all I knew, really, he could be in hand with Brutus and just playing me from a different angle, looking to force me into their version of a wolf mold. Even if Vincent didn't seem like it, he had made Brutus a Warlord..

Quote Begin That wouldn't have any bearing on my following his orders though, I still do that.Quote End When he actually gave orders or did anything remotely resembling what a Warlord should do. Quote Begin I swear I'm not trying to be rebellious on purpose. I'm actually trying to do the right things, it just doesn't feel like that.Quote End I let out a humorless laugh.

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Re: [Private] Blood Drops

Vincent Sawyer Byrne | Wolf; Pack Master/Alpha

Posted on Sat Jul 04, 2015 11:22 pm

Now that I was here, I wasn't even sure what I came here for. To gloat? To say ''I told you so''? I felt like it should have been so much more satisfying, but the weird part was the fact that I didn't even give a shit about that anymore. When I was with Ghost all I could think about was everything broken in the pack. When I was with Oveyx, all I could think about was everything that was broken with me. But in this moment, none of that existed as strongly as it normally did. Maybe it wasn't even her, maybe it was just her home. It wasn't what I expected to some extent, but it was what I expected in the sense that it was very fucking different than any other wolf home I'd been in. It was clean, so clean in fact I had to wonder what the fuck she was hiding. No one was this nice if that was even the right word to describe it. I wanted to trust her, but I had a really fucking hard time trusting anyone that made it seem like they only care about the ''overall good'', especially when I knew everyone had skeletons in their closet, and she had yet to reveal even one.

I knew she was so damned focus on my injuries because she didn't know me yet. Eventually it'd become second nature, she wouldn't even notice anymore. But, fuck, the way she acted towards it made me feel like she thought I couldn't handle it. I could handle it just fucking fine. I was still alive wasn't I? I wasn't crying about it was I? What? No, it's from my head... I felt weird saying it. She called it poetic and I wasn't even fucking close to something that gay. And suddenly I was starting to wish we could go back to discussing my cuts and bruises... Anything to get off of this topic.

Yeah well no need to overthink it... I added on, oddly wanting her admission to end. Like I said, it was weird, I didn't trust it, it was just fucking uncomfortable. It was nothing like I thought it would be, I didn't feel pride and confidence from hearing it, I just felt fucking sick. How could I respond to something like that? I'd know how to respond if she would have claimed the opposite but this was fucking with my head.

When she reached for my hand I wanted to rip it away, for some reason I thought she was going to try and hold my fucking hand and tell me everything is going to be alright, and I really wanted to avoid something that goddamned pathetic. I quickly realized what she was doing though, and just blankly looked at her. They held me back, and I couldn't overpower them, that's what I'd been telling myself. I chose not to fight back, that's what I'd been telling her. Both were true, but neither her, or I would know or admit that outloud. It was true, I didn't want to harm another wolf, not after that terrified kid in the forest. But it was also true that I couldn't fight back tonight, they had me backed into a corner and made damn sure I couldn't fight back. It was a complicated mess, with many truths. It's complicated... I answered, knowing that vague wasn't what she was looking for, but it was what she would get.

I had to smirk. It wasn't that what she was saying was funny, it was just futile. The way they thought was not their fault, maybe it was now because they had not learned from their mistakes, but it wasn't always their fault. The way they thought was taught, it was something they learned. The person that taught them to think the way they did, also just happened to be a fucking master manipulator. He brainwashed them, and fixing something that fucking messy wasn't as easy as one would hope. Good luck with that. I gave her a tap on the back and turned my attention back to my wounds.

To some extent I do give a shit about how one achieves their goals, but the most important thing with this situation is the outcome. That is the perfect way of putting it really, and I'm trying to make lemonade. It's just not easy when the pack is full of rotten fruit. Maybe I wasn't as fucking ripe as I'd like to be, I could admit it. And this time, I wouldn't attach any ''buts'' to the end of that thought. Do you really want acceptance? I mean... Fuck I get wanting to feel at home in the world you live in, but it's also so damn insignificant at the same time. Wouldn't you rather want to fit in with like minded people? Instead of hoping for them to change, or thinking you need to be changed, maybe you just need to find people like Ghost, who will accept pretty much anyone for who they are. You should want to find a mold that fits you, don't try and shove yourself into one that doesn't fit. Plus, some of them are fucking wankers, I know I sure as fuck don't give a shit if the bad eggs of the bunch accept me. I lied, knowing damn well that's all I'd ever wanted. I guess I was just speaking the right thing, rather than the truth.

Brutal... I spoke it with a laugh, but quickly shut my trap. I mean that sucks, the whole... bleeding thing. It's really fucking metal though, at the same time I mean... I trailed off as my eyes looked around the bathroom. I realized she probably had no idea what the fuck I was talking about. She was this white knight fighting for what was right in her white house and her clean clothes and light fabrics... She was the opposite of anything metal. I should have known you would have been the one to work on your gift out of everyone. I don't mean that as a bad thing either, it's just, you seem the type. My lip curled upwards as I realized it still sounded really fucking bad, even though that wasn't my intention, and I quickly changed the subject. I didn't start working on mine until later. I didn't even actively try to improve it, it was just circumstance I guess... But it's become more powerful, more useful. You'll get there. - Still, that's pretty fucking cool. If for nothing else, then at least maybe eventually you can completely avoid gas prices... I added on at the end.

I actually snorted at what she said next, and finally decided to turn around when I realized no matter how much I inspected my face, only time would heal it now. It's not funny, I'm not trying to laugh at you... I started while smiling at the same damn time, which wasn't only nearly an oxymoron in itself, but also fucking painful. If you want to train, great, it's all I've wanted this entire damn time, but don't seek out Brutus for it. Despite what his title claims he should be doing... He's used for... Other things. Oveyx... Peyton, she's good with human form, I'm better with wolf form. Two completely different styles that require different tactics and approaches. I haven't been doing much myself lately, but I've been... preoccupied...

And for the record, some level of respect is expected, but you don't have to truly respect rank if they don't give you a reason to. God knows no one else does...

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Re: [Private] Blood Drops

Rohana Khan | Wolf; Spiritual Leader

Posted on Sun Jul 05, 2015 4:14 pm

Vincent's revelation had me stop a second to look at him, just to check if he was joking. Quote Begin Oh. Well, they sounded like song lyrics, a rock song maybe.Quote End I still wondered whether he was pulling my leg and it was a cultural reference I hadn't grasped, but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. It did make me realise how little I knew about Vincent thought. He was the pack master - that I knew, but that was about it. A few idiosyncrasies and behaviors I'd noted from the previous times we'd met, but besides that we could be strangers. I suddenly felt very conscious that he must have known more about me than I him. Quote Begin What do you do for work?Quote End I asked. It might have seemed abrupt, but I couldn't help feel it still may have been something musical, a reason for his statement seeming so lyrical. He obviously had a unique taste for music considering the various emblazoned t-shirts I'd noticed him wear.

Quote Begin It seems like the only thing that isn't complicated about the majority of wolves, is the wolves themselves.Quote End I quipped, finishing tidying everything away. Vincent seemed to have perked up a little, maybe slowly starting to heal already, and I no longer felt I might have to betray the little he trusted me and call a medic in. Quote Begin And even then, they're not simple in any useful ways... it shouldn't even make sense.Quote End I was glad I'd tucked everything back in to the first aid box or the cupboard, and had collected the used towels in the bath, because it meant I could turn to Vincent. I crossed my arms and frowned at him, not appreciating the condescending tap on the back in the slightest. Quote Begin You should be wishing yourself luck if anything. You're their leader.Quote End I pointed out, feeling a mixture of pity for Vincent and the hardships I knew that would cause, but also slightly glad that I wasn't in his position.

I stopped, letting my arms slowly unfold at Vincent's words. Quote Begin It's strange... before I was turned, I had no interest in acceptance at all. It's never bothered me... until now. I'm a part of this pack now, and I want to be a real part - I want to be helpful. So no, maybe I don't want them to accept me in the sense I become like them, but I'd like enough acceptance that they might listen to what I say, or the things I do actually make a difference. It's not like I can slap them all in handcuffs and put them in a cell overnight like humans who can't obey orders. I'm going to need to do this by gaining their acceptance.. their trust, their respect, whatever you want to call it. Ghost is.. she's lovely, she really is. But her being lovely and accepting isn't going to keep the rest of the pack out of danger. Do you really think I can give up on change, when without change this is what I know might happen?Quote End I gestured to Vincent and his injuries at this, not only thinking of the inner pack dynamics, but the danger from outside. It wasn't even the horrific vampires. I couldn't get the image of the wolf carcass I'd found out of my head. Vincent didn't even know all the dangers that were out there.. I couldn't just sit back and let the other wolves continue on in their lives like lambs going to the slaughter, but I couldn't simply tell them the truth either. I let out a little sigh, and brushed a hand through my hair. Quote Begin You're right, so right it's frustrating - it's complicated.Quote End Even complicated didn't seem intense enough a word to describe the situation I'd landed myself in, but it was the best I had.

Quote Begin Metal?Quote End I asked, not entirely sure what he meant by that. Mental, maybe, and he was slurring words? I frowned at Vincent and wondered if I'd been too fast to deem him okay. Quote Begin I've seen some disturbing things in my life, but it's different when it happens to you. It definitely seemed like something out a horror movie.. or a low budget Holi festival.Quote End I smiled to myself, and shook my head as I moved on, Quote Begin The type?Quote End I repeated, not meanly just yet, but prompting Vincent to continue. I smiled a little and crossed my arms, wondering if he meant it in a nice way, or not. Considering the majority of the pack, I'd probably take it as a compliment, even if he didn't mean it as one. Quote Begin I just didn't see the point in having one if I can't use it to my advantage I suppose. And yeah,Quote End I laughed at his comment about gas prices, Quote Begin I'm hoping it'll save me time too. It'd be nice to be able to just relax more often. What is your gift?Quote End I asked, realising I'd not heard much about it.

I agreed with Vincent's laughter, in a way - it was laughable that a warlord couldn't be trusted to train the rest of the pack. How Brutus even became a warlord was a laughable thought to me, but I kept it to myself. Gaining opportunities and tips to train was more important than badmouthing other wolves. Quote Begin It's the wolf side I need more help with, if I'm honest. I've had training as a human already, even before I was a wolf, so I'm not a complete lost cause in that department - I can reasonably hold my own. But everything I've learned in human form seems useless for wolf form. Do you know when you'll be less preoccupied to hold a training session?Quote End I asked, sure that asking what he was preoccupied with would be a waste of breath.

I walked over to the bathroom door, turning round just before I opened it. Quote Begin Well, I'm not like everyone else, and I'm not complaining about that this time.Quote End I said, raising an eyebrow and smirking at the thought of it. I wasn't about to unquestioningly respect someone anyway, but that didn't mean I was going to completely disrespect those in authority like other wolves seemed accustomed to. So many people didn't seem to realise there was a lot of scope in between respect and disrespect - it wasn't either or.

Quote Begin Anyway, do you want a drink? Quote End I leaned on the bathroom door after opening it, ready to walk, so as not to disconcert Vincent again. Quote Begin I'll save your stomach this time - the kitchen's through here.Quote End I held back a second and then walked through, inspecting my hands for any signs of blood as I did so.

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Re: [Private] Blood Drops

Vincent Sawyer Byrne | Wolf; Pack Master/Alpha

Posted on Tue Jul 07, 2015 10:22 pm

I couldn't tell if I should take what she was saying as a compliment. So I just shrugged my shoulders and pretended to find the task of pulling up my jeans more interesting to avoid it all together. But what she said next had me realizing I didn't have enough fabric to fiddle with, to keep this game of pretend distraction going, and I was looking for an out. I'd already spent the night looking at my reflection, and fuck I wasn't vain, I was just fascinated and disgusted at my appearance all at once, but I couldn't look at myself again without her wondering why the fuck I couldn't tear my eyes away from her mirror. I had nothing, not even a fucking cigarette to become more interested in, or a drink to occupy my mouth.

No one had asked me that before. Fuck, no one had really asked me anything personal, not the wolves anyway. Aside from Peyton, which even then I wasn't sure everything we discussed was from her asking, or me just telling. I had a feeling most of the time it was the latter. I didn't like it, I didn't know how to respond to it. I mean... I knew the words I needed to say, but not how to say them. What the fuck did it matter anyway? She didn't really give a shit to know what I did for a living, she was just filling up the silence. That's exactly what it was. Construction, drywall mainly. But not... I mean this town is small, and isn't exactly a growing metropolis so I just kinda do whatever I can get my hands on... My eyes had drifted down from her face and landed at her chest as the words came out, and when I realized how fucking bad that sounded, paired with where my eyes were looking I immediately tried to find something else to focus on.

I was happy for the subject change, and eagerly jumped on it's back like a fucking dog to the sound of their bowl being filled. Heh, yeah, I guess... My quick response faded off, as once again I didn't know how to take what she was saying. Was she fucking calling me simple minded too? What she said next had me questioning even further, and something else started surfacing. Something really fucking unexpected, something sudden... I mean... They're not... Fuck... Was this my fault? I had to admit I did get some joy out of finding one of the rare few within the pack that shared my views, but had I caused this? My hatred for them, my hatred for my pack was a burden I hated to carry the weight of, and I'd done my best to pawn off that burden on anyone with an ear to lend. It must have been what she said... About me being their leader. I needed to try and act like it even if there were a million reasons for me not to. They have their skills, each one has something useful to give. And they do give, just not... To everyone. I wasn't even sure if that made any fucking sense, but I suddenly felt sick for even saying it. Why the fuck was I trying to give them a chance in her eyes when they hadn't given me one since the fucking beginning?

My eyes went from looking at nothing, to looking at her as she spoke honestly, or at least, that's what I felt she was doing. I listen to you. I blurted out. Maybe I felt like I owed her one. She had put aside her pride and admitted to being wrong several times tonight, and maybe I owed her that moment of spontaneous encouragement or whatever the fuck you want to call it. I didn't think it was so much that I listened to her, but more that I couldn't get her the fuck out of my head. Not that I'd admit that out loud, I wasn't looking to bring upon more hate filled beatings tonight.

Something else she said made me smirk, for a reason she wouldn't understand. The irony of her handcuffs speech had me wanting to bust out laughing, but I held it back, and felt the physical pain of that in my stomach. How many times had I been locked up in the box as punishment? How many times had I sentenced other wolves to that fate? More times than I could count, that was for fucking sure. This is the least of our worries. I muttered, suddenly finding it easier to push down that laughter. The truth was, I couldn't believe she really gave a shit that this had happened to me. Her, and everyone else would only have one thing to say about what had happened to me tonight, and that was that I deserved it. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. But if I did, I was still waiting for that wake up call, that purpose to hit me like some big fucking revelation explaining why I deserved it. It couldn't just be karma, could it?

Yeah... Metal, yanno... I tried to think of a way to explain it but couldn't, and hoped she wouldn't try to force it out of me. You either got it, or you didn't. There was no describing it. It defeated the purpose, like explaining the punchline of a joke to someone who didn't get it the first time around. Just uh... Be safe about it. People think physical gifts come with hard consequences, but it's the mental gifts that are taxing. Now that I thought about it, was hers considered physical or mental? On that note, was it fucking offensive or defensive? Fuck maybe it just fell into the gray area like mine. Neither one, or the other, just... Both. Persuasion. I spoke quickly, feeling that same weird feeling from earlier come back, and this time I just wanted to get the questions about me over with until I could decide how the fuck to feel about them. Brainwashing, memory erasing, enslaving, whatever the fuck you wanna call it. I can make people do shit... Just not wolves apparently. Ironic...

I didn't want to train with her. Maybe it sounded fucking bad, but I didn't. She made me uncomfortable, and I couldn't explain it. She made me want to punch holes in her walls and break anything that looked expensive, which was basically fucking everything. But at the same time she made me feel fucking human again and I couldn't even begin to explain the million reasons why that was so fucked up. How the fuck could I even avoid it now that I'd told her? I'd basically fucking offered already... I'm kinda shit with schedules right now. It's probably best if you just call when you're not busy, set it up that way... I avoided eye contact, like she'd magically read my mind and know I was trying to avoid it if I looked at her.

When she started walking for the door, I assumed it was time to go, and thankfully fucking so. I needed a drink or... A tranquilizer... I needed to find somewhere to go. I started checking my pockets as I usually did before leaving someones place, and as usual, I became quite aware that the journal was missing, and as usual again, it made me feel sick to my stomach with nervousness. But as my feet were heading towards the door, she said something I didn't expect, at least... Not from her. You mean a real drink? I'm not a... Diet soda kinda guy...

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