setting
Index was once a small and close-knit community, but the town located on the western side of Washington state has grown in recent years beyond anyone's expectations. It is the ideal place for those who work in Seattle but can't afford the city's high real estate prices, and for others the natural beauty attracts them to the town. And Index truly is a beautiful place - surrounded by thick evergreen trees, tall mountains and glistening rivers and lakes. While weather is typically rainy with overcast skies even this does nothing to take away from the beauty of the town, and it is only highlighted further when the heavy snow graces the town and caps the mountains in winter. To many, Index would seem like a paradise. And yet lurking beneath this visual beauty there is more to this town than anyone might ever imagine...

Current Time in Index, Washington:
rules
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 [Private] Not a Dick Pizza - Page 11

[Private] Not a Dick Pizza

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Re: [Private] Not a Dick Pizza

Peyton Marx | Wolf; Warlord/Battlelord

Posted on Sun Jun 07, 2015 2:16 am

Everything about this was painful. Looking at him hurt, not looking at him hurt. Being near him was so hard and I just knew that when he left it was going to be worse. I'd known that all along but I'd decided not to accept the thought into my mind, to basically allow it all to build up until later. I didn't regret it either. But later wasn't later anymore, it was now and I had to deal with that. But I didn't want to and just... ugh, I'd never been so fucking reluctant to face up to something. I knew it would happen and that nothing could be done about. I really did know that and acknowledge it. But I just wondered if I'd ever be okay with it. 

Would that be better or worse? To wake up one day and realize that I didn't mind anymore. Would I feel like I'd lost something then the way I felt I was losing something now? It didn't matter how it might play out and how I might end up feeling because it was hard to see past what it felt like right now. How fucked up was that? To not know if you'd rather stop feeling something for someone and save yourself pain or at least know you felt that way at all, had been touched by the same thing. Maybe one day my head would clear enough for be to view it logically and actually agree with it. But it didn't matter anyway because nothing was going to change in the next day, or week, or month and all I'd be able to do would be to wait and see what happened.

My gaze stay trained on him when he moved, facing me more. The furrow in my brow hadn't gone anywhere and if anything it only got worse when I saw the expression on his face. I almost opened my mouth to speak when he tapped the side of his head. I knew exactly what he meant by doing that and I wanted to asked him if he was sure. My mind drifted back to using it on him before and I felt a surge of guilt when I thought again of how fucking invasive I'd been about it. So did he really want be going back in there? I remembered what he'd written and didn't voice those concerns, instead I just reached out and formed the link with him, taking his thoughts into my head.

My gift took hold more quickly than I'd expected and at first I just put that down to him being willing to open up his mind. But then I realized I wasn't just hearing thoughts cross his mind like spoken words but actually being... almost pulled in and actually seeing instead of just hearing. I'd seen things in people's minds plenty of time but this just felt... different. There was how he'd made his decision to seek out answers, where he'd intended to go and things he'd done in preparation. I closed my eyes as I realized I wasn't just feeling my reaction to these things but his as well. Nothing seemed overly damn strange, no more than you'd expect any way.

But then it all changed. Black van, black uniforms. They'd caught him, made him black out. Already I didn't know how to react to this. A white room that I recognized from the video and a woman... the same fanger from the video of Odin. He'd said he'd known her hadn't he? This was how? I just felt more confused as it went on, as they spoke about shit that I didn't know how to respond to or what to think of. There was so much to process here and there wasn't any chance to do it. I hated her, hated the way she spoke and I hated thinking of him in that situation.

And it only got worse. Her smile, explaining the restraints... I didn't like where it was heading. Part of me didn't want to have to see where it went. For a moment I actually wanted to pull back but no, I wouldn't. I'd wait and see because I'd asked for an explanation and I wasn't going to turn away when I was getting one.

But fuck, I wished I had. I didn't just see what happened next. When his head was yanked back I could feel it. When the tube was shoved down his throat I felt like I might choke. I could feel his panic and I didn't understand what was happening. What the hell was this?! His panic became my own and memories started flying through faster. I could hear him screaming and I wanted to cover my ears and block it out. I felt what it was like for him and it was just so fucking awful. Being forced fed that blood, the way it had overflowed. I felt like I couldn't breath because he couldn't. I was so much more connected to his memories than I'd ever been to anyone and it kept going and I didn't know what do do. I hadn't been prepared for this.

I knew I should pull back and break the link but I just couldn't, it was like I was in a trance and I felt like I'd lost control of my gift. My eyes squeezed shut tighter and every breath I drew in was a struggle. Faster still, mind scattering, the sense of mental torment of being close to out of your mind. And still it didn't end. Pain, just so much fucking pain. I'd found out what had happened to him, to his back. I felt every single mark being made, flinching at the agony he felt and that I could feel. The burn of silver and the feel of it slashing against skin. My hands were gripping the edge of the couch, I was bending forward and gasping. The fact that this was happening to him, that this was what he'd had to endure and come back from made it so much harder.

The pain seemed to stop and my headed quieted, but there were still flashes that of information that I was almost too disorientated to register. The chip, the instructions. They'd given him the flash drive he'd come to my house with. And then... red hair, a house I recognized. All that and more coming rapid fire at me. I felt a measure of control return and in that instant I snapped the link, pulling back as quickly as I could. Why had that happened? What had that even been? I was so fucking overwhelmed, my mind couldn't fucking accept that he'd had to go through that and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to help because it had already happened and he'd been fucking alone and he'd been- Fuck! I raised my hands to my face and pressed the bottom of my palms tight against my eyes. I was fucking shaking and I couldn't make it stop and I'd never felt so fucking angry and devastated at the same time. Because it had happened to him. Fuck, fuck, FUCK. My body folded in on itself and I pressed my hands against my face even harder. I could not lose control I just fucking couldn't. But my throat just ached and something inside my head, behind my eyes felt like it was on fire. I could- I could feel that. My voice was halted and my breathing was uneven and- Oh God I felt all of that- I cut off with a gasping breath. And I'd only felt it through his mind and it had still been so fucking awful, but he'd gone through it for real and I had no idea what do or what to say to that.

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Re: [Private] Not a Dick Pizza

Vincent Sawyer Byrne | Wolf; Pack Master/Alpha

Posted on Sun Jun 07, 2015 2:43 am

Little things stood out to me when I started the process of remembering. Like the blue hoodie I had packed that day, the day I left town. I'd never worn it, I didn't even know where it came from, but it stood out to me. Or the crack in the tile in my kitchen floor as I started to leave. Or the red drop on the floor in the hall, as I was being taken back to the white room for my daily fucking beating. Little, insignificant shit stood out to me. I continued holding onto those memories, so she could see, so she could not only see what happened, but more importantly, hear the information they had given me. The wounds, they meant nothing to me, the blood, surprisingly, was worse, but still meaningless. Even thinking about it now, just the memory of having no air and having that shit pumped into me made me hold my breath. All that mattered is what they had told me. Despite their tactics, despite what they had done to me, they were oddly sympathetic throughout the entire thing too. They were oddly professional about it. Constantly reassuring me between each slice in my flesh, through each break of my force feeding, they kept reassuring me that everything would be okay, that I would make it out of there alive. It really fucked with my head, but maybe it was that tactic that made me feel nearly immune to physical pain now. Things hurt still, but not in the same way they used to, maybe I just knew now things could always hurt worse. I didn't know, I had no idea.

I could see her eyes closed tightly as it was happening. I could hear the shortness in her breath, that matched the shortness in mine from remembering. I wanted to reach out an touch her, but I didn't know if that would interfere, so I just waited it out, I held still. It didn't take long, it probably felt like an eternity for her, but it didn't take as long as I thought it would for her to get everything she needed out of it. I knew it was over, I could feel the link breaking, and I just knew it was over. The guilt hadn't gone away, the guilt of showing her, but it was done now. What more could I do? I didn't have a time machine, and even if I did, she needed to see. The crazy shit that was happening to me before I decided to seek answers involved her too. Didn't she deserve to know?

I expected her initial reaction... At least I expected her to say what she said. ''Fuck'' was the only reasonable reaction. There was no other word to use after that, there just wasn't. But it was her hands coming up to her eyes... It was her telling me she could feel it happening, it was her irregular breathing and the tone in her voice that had my throat tensing up and stomach in knots. I didn't even think about it beforehand, and before I even could think about it, I was already reaching for her and pulling her closer to me, a look of shock on my face because I... I didn't- I didn't want that. I just wanted you to see, I, fuck, I swear I didn't want that.

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Re: [Private] Not a Dick Pizza

Peyton Marx | Wolf; Warlord/Battlelord

Posted on Sun Jun 07, 2015 5:23 am

That was- that had been fucking horrific. Like shit our kind were already part of some macabre bullshit story, just because it'd been sexed up by the media in more recent years didn't change that. But seeing that would've been bad enough and probably could've turned most people's stomachs. But actually experiencing it was just a totally different thing. The idea of that tube down his throat and him being forced to swallow all that blood was just fucking sick. It made me feel ill and I had to swallow a feel times. Fuck I wasn't a fucking wimp but to me that had been so fucking sick and twisted.

The timing was all was all fucked up, admitting you loved someone and then seeing, feeling shit like that happen to them. I just needed a second to process it and compartmentalize it because I hadn't been deaf or blind to the other shit that'd been happening. I couldn't fall apart when they're were more important things to focus on. But right then they didn't feel more important and that was probably a problem.

So I would force myself to move past it but I just... I couldn't do it yet. I was still fucking shaking and when I felt him pull me towards him it quieted a little. And that was just a new level of unfair. Having something that could calm you when you couldn't do it yourself and it just being temporary, not something you could rely on. Not that it was good to rely on something like that in the first place. It's fine- I'm fine. I just need a second. I realized I was leaning my head against him and I hadn't even noticed it happening. I'd just done it instinctively. I know you didn't, and I'm not blaming you and you better not blame yourself. That was just- I don't know what happened but I wasn't prepared for it. I lowered my hands and looked at him, seeing the expression on his face and just feeling bad for it. If I'd kept a cooler head then he wouldn't have even had to know. My heart was still in my throat and there was still that goddamn pain in my chest that being close to him again somehow made me feel both better and worse at the same time. Better because of that sense of ease that came with it and worse because I knew it wouldn't last.

But I was calming, slowly but it was happening. I was able to, not look passed it, but not be as overcome by what he'd gone through. I was started to go over the conversations I'd heard and linking it all up in my head and trying to understand what it meant. I'd heard his thoughts about having answers he'd wanted and though I could understand that I was wondering what was supposed to happen next. Ugh, I was getting really fucking sick of wondering 'what next'. There'd already been so much of that tonight. I almost opened my mouth to speak again but just about remembered the bug. I reached out, gently taking his arm and turning it over, running my thumb across the skin of his inner wrist, tentatively expanding my gift again. "So this is why you couldn't say anything? They're... tracking you? Watching?" I remembered the way he'd gone around the room closing blinds and it made a lot more sense now.

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Re: [Private] Not a Dick Pizza

Vincent Sawyer Byrne | Wolf; Pack Master/Alpha

Posted on Sun Jun 07, 2015 5:57 am

I laughed. It wasn't a big laugh, and it didn't happen because anything funny happened. It wasn't a laugh that stemmed from joy. It was an ironic laugh, accompanied by nothing else, only followed by my voice, I'm not... It was kind of my fault. I mean, I didn't have to fucking show you, and had I have known the bond was that strong I might not have. It sounded worse than I wanted it to, way fucking worse and I couldn't help but get wrapped up in guilt all over again, this time because of my own words. I didn't want to keep shit from her, but this just proved maybe sometimes that was all I could do to keep her safe from me and the hell that followed me. As long as you're okay... I'm okay... It was weird how unweird it was to say that out loud.

Feeling her against me fucking sucked, it didn't, but it fucking did, and when she took my arm I quickly pulled it away and put some distance between us, it wasn't enough, and I had to bring myself to my feet. Yeah I thought about... Yanno... I mimed myself carving it out of my skin. But, I don't know what that will bring... I don't know... ''I don't know how they're watching me, are they fucking tapped into security cameras? Webcams? Is my fucking location constantly watched? How often are they actually watching anyway? I mean is it constant? Can they hear or? If I fucking remove it, I don't give a shit about the pain, but I can't help but feel like men in suits are going to show up at my fucking door if I do. And I don't want to fucking go back there, I never want to fucking go back there, then again maybe it'd be fucking better to surrender myself and become fanger chow rather than constantly fucking having to look over my shoulder. The really fucked up part is earlier, I nearly mentioned Lilith when we were... Fighting, and I felt this fucking heat coming from it, and when I looked down there was a goddamned light under my skin. I don't know, I've never seen anything like it, I can barely even fucking feel it which is the weird part. I don't know what kind of fucking technology they have, but how did they know? How the fuck did they know that I nearly mentioned her name when I didn't even get to say it completely? How did they know when I was saying it to you, right here, in your house? Do they fucking have eyes everywhere? Even in your home''

Fuck once one thought started it was hard to stop it from going. But this was something I could talk about. It was something I could hold a fucking conversation with her about without falling to fucking pieces over it. I had this incredible fucking urge to keep it going, to continue talking about it so I could avoid the elephant in the room. ''You needed to know... That and...'' - The video. Fuck I know you'll probably hate me for saying this but I almost feel like I can't have you... Was there any way to word this that wouldn't piss her off? I'm not saying I'm going to, because we made a deal, and I gave you my word, and fuck you're the only person I don't want to see me as a liar or... I just wish you didn't want your rank. I wish I could take it from you, no... I wish you would give it up. Because this shit is heavy. It's not just to do with me anymore. The videos of Odin proves it's not just about me anymore. Something is coming, something is going to happen, and shit there are reasons why presidents have been assassinated yanno? Take out the leaders and the rest falls into chaos. They... She... It, whatever the fuck it is that's coming, they're going to come for us first. I finally took a breath and stared at the door before looking back to her. I just wish you weren't... rank... The way I said it was pleading, it was almost but not quite a question, because I was hoping she would understand, I was hoping she would give it up even though I knew she fucking wouldn't because she was stubborn as hell. I was just trying to fucking keep her safe from it, I was just trying to keep her out of it.

I moved over to her, and knelt down as my voice lowered. Not because I was afraid of people listening, but because I wanted her to listen more intently. You saw what they did, what they're capable of. You don't deserve that simply because of your title. No one did, but especially her. She had been nothing but good for me in a time in my life when nothing else was. At her core, she was good, and I'd rather be torn to shreds with Brutus at my side than her. She didn't fucking deserve that.

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Re: [Private] Not a Dick Pizza

Peyton Marx | Wolf; Warlord/Battlelord

Posted on Sun Jun 07, 2015 5:27 pm

No. I said, shaking my head when he spoke. The way he’d laughed had been one thing but the words he’d said after weren’t something I could ignore. I’d wanted to know and being informed about what was going on only made sense. This was the kinda thing a leader should know, right? What had happened didn’t change that. It’s better that I know, it doesn’t matter that it affected me like that when you compare it to everything else. What I felt isn’t important. Not compared to him actually going through it. There wasn’t a mark on my body, unlike his. The pain I'd felt wasn't as pressing as what feeling it meant I'd found out.  And no matter how real it had felt the fact that it had to have all been in my mind was starting to sink in. It helped a little. But when he spoke and said what he said... it helped more. Even if I wasn't sure what to do with that.

He pulled away. I mean I'd expected it but knowing it'd been gonna happen didn't help any and yet at the same time it easier when I had some space. Why the fuck was my head like this? What the hell was up with thinking in contradictions and not knowing what I wanted. Or more accurately, knowing what I wanted but that wasn't a possibility and then being stuck between the shitty options I had left to me.

Shit, I don't know- I didn't have a solution to that. Having to actually be in a situation where you were thinking of carving something out of your own body, but then not knowing if you could or what would happen if you did. I rubbed my hand down the side of my face as I heard him within my mind, just having no answer for him that fit all those questions. My mouth twisted when he said that about not wanting to go back there and about looking over his shoulder. I shook my head again, eyes staring at the floor as I leant forward and set my elbows on my legs, each hand gripping the the elbow of the other arm. Why the fuck did he have to go talking about that 'fanger chow' shit. I couldn't think about something like that. "I don't know, I mean like it depends on their resources and even just from that video it's obvious that that's not something they're short on. If they're tapping into security camera's that's one thing but-" I glanced over at my laptop. "Webcams? I think you can do something with that through malware but someone would've actually had to have downloaded it and I think anti-virus shit can stop that. Only other way is actually having access to the webcam and I'm pretty sure I'd have known if someone had been in here." I pinched my brow, still looking down. "It's... shit, I mean am I crazy thinking that we're way out of our depth here? How could they know what you were gonna say before you said it. Could the tracker be bugged? I mean if it was then it wouldn't matter where you went, they wouldn't have to bug anything or anyplace. I'm still fucking sure no one's been here that I haven't known about. Even if someone had been here to plant shit and didn't touch a thing wouldn't I pick up their scent? Just- this is fucked." 

I frowned when he started speaking out loud again, one that didn't go away in the slightest as he talked. I couldn't... was I actually this right? Fuck, I mean there was a part of me that got it, that understood why he was saying it and could maybe even empathize with it. If I had the option wouldn't I try and say the same shit to him? If there was a way for him to be able to get out of this wouldn't I do everything to push him towards it? But there was another part of me that disagreed. I would never back down from something that was getting difficult. I wasn't weak or lacking backbone and I would never willingly be those things. So when he ended up kneeling in front of me and I was almost sure he was asking me something without saying the words. Something that would've made me angry in the past but I'd been learning there were better ways to direct that. I finally looked up from the ground and gave him a sad smile and shook my head.

I couldn't do that. I couldn't step down like that and it's not because I'd be reluctant to release my rank. That's not the reason, not even a fucking little bit.. I just- how could I do that knowing it was just to basically step out of the way of danger? Shit starts looking like it's going south so I throw in the towel to save my own ass? No, that's not me. I understand what you're saying and I even get why you're saying it but I'm sorry, it won't happen like that. Maybe it's pride or maybe it's just a stupid ass sense of honor but I'm not about to just leave the difficult shit to someone else because it'll be easier on me that way. It's not about what I might or might not deserve. I don't care what they're capable of and I've never taken the easy route just because I might feel a little safer. I stopped and tried to imagine it, tried to imagine leaving it up to the others to carry this shit by themselves. To leave him like that... This was about me and the fact that I would never forgive myself for something so... cowardly. But it wasn't just about me either. I won't step back and watch from the sidelines, not if I could be there to meet it head on. I can't just sit this one out while you're stuck in this shit. I don't think you deserve that. I looked away for a second, seeing that my hands had clenched into fists as I'd spoken without me realizing it. But then I was looking back up at him, thinking about the tone in his voice and for a second I almost wished I could do it. But I knew I couldn't just change who I was, not for anyone. I'm sorry. I am and I don't know if you'll believe that, but it's true. But I've never been very good at backing down from a fight. I leaned closer, looking him in the eyes and just hoping that he would get that I was being genuine about that apology and maybe let him know without saying the words that I would've done it for him if I could've.

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