[Private] Not a Dick Pizza
Index :: West Elkton :: Residential
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I hadn't realized it was happening until something snapped me out of it. I was falling asleep, and I was thankful for that sound that came out of her, that gasp of air. I couldn't sleep now, I couldn't let that happen. I just felt so fucking exhausting. The yelling, the fighting, the... Twice might I add. I was drained, figuratively and literally. The way her hand had brushed through my hair, the sound of her heartbeat, the warmth of her body at my front and the cool air at my back, no wonder I was falling asleep. I wanted to look at her, to make sure she was okay, but I was so fucking relaxed I couldn't do it. I couldn't move. I couldn't...
My eyes opened, and the first thing that came to my mind was the fact that there was no light. Was it still night? Was it the following night? How long had I been asleep? I was no longer on top of her, but beside her with my arm draped around her. Her face was tucked into my shoulder, and the blanket loosely placed over her hips. As much as I wanted to go back to sleep, the second my eyes opened I wasn't even granted a break. It was like I took a punch to the stomach as I began to remember what had happened, as it all came flooding back, and there was no way I could close my eyes and doze off again.
I only had one thing on my mind, and no strength to deny it. I slowly slipped out of her bed, decided fuck it and ignored putting anything back on but my boxer briefs, and pulled the blanket up over her as gently as I could so she could sleep a bit longer. My feet carried me out to her kitchen where I spotted the time, Two in the morning. I stared at the time, long enough to watch a minute pass by before letting my eyes wander to the bottle, sitting exactly where it had been placed earlier.
My eyes stared at it before dodging around the room, like I was doing something I shouldn't be doing just by looking at it. Like someone was watching. I rubbed the back of my neck before voicing an internal ''fuck it'' and gripping the neck of the bottle and heading back to her front porch with my smokes. I sat exactly where I had before, lit up, and stared at the label. That went on for a while before I voiced another internal ''fuck it'' and twisted off the cap. I even hesitated for a brief second as I brought it up to my mouth, but that didn't stop me from taking a gulp. Then two, three, four. Each drink felt increasingly okay. Each one felt and tasted better than the last. Until I eventually brought it back to my mouth for the millionth drink only to find there was nothing but air inside. My cigarette had gone ignored, burning itself out to the filter from the wind. I didn't light up another, I just went back inside and placed the bottle back where it had been, and even made sure the label was facing the direction it was before I moved it. Like that would do any good, it was painfully fucking obvious that there was liquor in it before, and now there wasn't.
I went back into her room and lightly crawled on top of her. My lips met her jaw and my hands slipped behind her head before my lips moved their way up to hers. I didn't want to wake her up, nothing in me desired that, but I had no choice. The least I could do was do it in a way that would hopefully wake her up in a better mood than I did.
My eyes opened, and the first thing that came to my mind was the fact that there was no light. Was it still night? Was it the following night? How long had I been asleep? I was no longer on top of her, but beside her with my arm draped around her. Her face was tucked into my shoulder, and the blanket loosely placed over her hips. As much as I wanted to go back to sleep, the second my eyes opened I wasn't even granted a break. It was like I took a punch to the stomach as I began to remember what had happened, as it all came flooding back, and there was no way I could close my eyes and doze off again.
I only had one thing on my mind, and no strength to deny it. I slowly slipped out of her bed, decided fuck it and ignored putting anything back on but my boxer briefs, and pulled the blanket up over her as gently as I could so she could sleep a bit longer. My feet carried me out to her kitchen where I spotted the time, Two in the morning. I stared at the time, long enough to watch a minute pass by before letting my eyes wander to the bottle, sitting exactly where it had been placed earlier.
My eyes stared at it before dodging around the room, like I was doing something I shouldn't be doing just by looking at it. Like someone was watching. I rubbed the back of my neck before voicing an internal ''fuck it'' and gripping the neck of the bottle and heading back to her front porch with my smokes. I sat exactly where I had before, lit up, and stared at the label. That went on for a while before I voiced another internal ''fuck it'' and twisted off the cap. I even hesitated for a brief second as I brought it up to my mouth, but that didn't stop me from taking a gulp. Then two, three, four. Each drink felt increasingly okay. Each one felt and tasted better than the last. Until I eventually brought it back to my mouth for the millionth drink only to find there was nothing but air inside. My cigarette had gone ignored, burning itself out to the filter from the wind. I didn't light up another, I just went back inside and placed the bottle back where it had been, and even made sure the label was facing the direction it was before I moved it. Like that would do any good, it was painfully fucking obvious that there was liquor in it before, and now there wasn't.
I went back into her room and lightly crawled on top of her. My lips met her jaw and my hands slipped behind her head before my lips moved their way up to hers. I didn't want to wake her up, nothing in me desired that, but I had no choice. The least I could do was do it in a way that would hopefully wake her up in a better mood than I did.
Despite the fact that I wasn't ready to let this moment be over, and my chest was aching from the idea of it ending, there wasn't anything I could do about the wave of fatigue that was starting to creep over me. It started in my limbs which felt heavy, too heavy to move even if I tried. I couldn't remember ever feeling so spent, so physically and emotionally depleted. The feeling of his body covering mine and his arms holding me made me feel... secure. I wanted to open my eyes and rouse myself but I couldn't. They drifted shut again nearly as soon as I tried to open them.
I almost felt at ease then, like it was okay to give in and let lethargy completely take over. There was security in sleep, security from thinking ahead and wondering about what happened next. Sleep meant taking away the ability to even think about it and I couldn't say that idea wasn't appealing. His breathing had slowed and I knew he had already gone down that road. Knowing that just seemed to increase the tiredness I felt and I couldn't fight it anymore, exhaustion swept over me and pulled me under.
Something almost roused me. There had been a sense of warmth and comfort that had managed to make it's way into my subconscious even as I slept. There was that sense you got where you were sure you hadn't dreamt of anything at all, just impressions and flickers at the edge of thought. I felt like I'd never slept this soundly. But then whatever had brought that about seemed to be disappearing and I mumbled something nonsensical, my arm reaching out seeking... something. But before I had a chance to remember what that might be I was drifting off the edge of consciousness once more.
The next time I could feel the weight of sleep lifting was different. It was the touch of something soft against my skin and I stirred beneath the blanket, my legs rubbing against the sheets. Recollections of what had happened were starting to return to me but they were vague and indistinct. I remembered who was there now. The corner of my mouth turned up when I felt hands slide beneath my head and his lips press against mine. I shifted beneath him, my own hands pulling free and raising to intertwine behind his neck.
I remembered enough. Enough to know I was in no rush to fully come to my senses and let... everything come back. It was there at the back of my mind and I knew it was but I was still drowsy enough that it didn't take over. Fuck, I'd be pretty willing for that to never happen. My lips moved against his languidly and my thoughts were hazy and I wasn't stopping to try and clear them up. I wanted to pull away and look at him but at the same time I didn't because I just felt so peaceful right then.
I almost felt at ease then, like it was okay to give in and let lethargy completely take over. There was security in sleep, security from thinking ahead and wondering about what happened next. Sleep meant taking away the ability to even think about it and I couldn't say that idea wasn't appealing. His breathing had slowed and I knew he had already gone down that road. Knowing that just seemed to increase the tiredness I felt and I couldn't fight it anymore, exhaustion swept over me and pulled me under.
Something almost roused me. There had been a sense of warmth and comfort that had managed to make it's way into my subconscious even as I slept. There was that sense you got where you were sure you hadn't dreamt of anything at all, just impressions and flickers at the edge of thought. I felt like I'd never slept this soundly. But then whatever had brought that about seemed to be disappearing and I mumbled something nonsensical, my arm reaching out seeking... something. But before I had a chance to remember what that might be I was drifting off the edge of consciousness once more.
The next time I could feel the weight of sleep lifting was different. It was the touch of something soft against my skin and I stirred beneath the blanket, my legs rubbing against the sheets. Recollections of what had happened were starting to return to me but they were vague and indistinct. I remembered who was there now. The corner of my mouth turned up when I felt hands slide beneath my head and his lips press against mine. I shifted beneath him, my own hands pulling free and raising to intertwine behind his neck.
I remembered enough. Enough to know I was in no rush to fully come to my senses and let... everything come back. It was there at the back of my mind and I knew it was but I was still drowsy enough that it didn't take over. Fuck, I'd be pretty willing for that to never happen. My lips moved against his languidly and my thoughts were hazy and I wasn't stopping to try and clear them up. I wanted to pull away and look at him but at the same time I didn't because I just felt so peaceful right then.
I knew she had waken, I knew from the way her body shifted. She didn’t flinch, she didn’t pull away, it felt so fucking natural. Like it was something we were meant to do. For a minute I couldn’t understand how we could defy something so fucking natural and ever be okay with it. How could we just make this stop, and still come out okay in the end? That thought alone just confirmed it, it made it fucking important that I erase all of it for her. Odin, as fucked up as that idiot was, was right. Nothing about being a pack master was easy, nothing about it would ever be easy.
I pulled away.I should probably go soon. Fuck, saying it out loud made it sound so fucking final. How the hell could I still be clinging onto hope that this could last? I knew, and when I say I knew, I mean I really fucking knew this was going to be over before the sun would rise, but even telling her that I needed to leave soon, the tone of my voice made it sound like I didn’t mean it, when I really fucking did. Maybe I just didn’t want to mean it. I don’t know if you wanna… Talk or… Hangout, have a drink, yanno, whatever with me before I go or… My voice trailed off, and I locked my eyes on hers. It’ll probably be the last time so… Why couldn’t I just tell her that I wanted to just be with her before it had to end? Like this I mean, the last time like this.
I still just wanted to fucking kiss her and never stop. I had to physically pull myself off of her to avoid it. And when I was off of the bed and heading towards the doorway, I had to mentally repeat to myself, over and over and over again ’’Keep going, just keep going’’ otherwise I knew I would get back into her bed with her and never leave. It wouldn’t work, there’s no way it would work and it would fall apart, we could never be. I had to control myself, I had to refrain, because I had to protect her from the pain of that outcome.
I picked up my jeans on the way out, and continued into her living room, tossing them on the couch beside my shirt before heading towards the empty bottle. I passed it and managed to find two glasses.I hope you have more because I uh… I looked at the empty bottle and shrugged my shoulders, feeling really fucking ashamed that I had guzzled every last fucking drop, and unwilling to even fucking talk about it. So I just ignored it, and instead of waiting for her answer I just went straight for water, even if she didn’t have anything else, I was sure we both probably needed to rehydrate.
I carried both glasses to the couch. It felt like there was some kind of fucking plague inside of me. Each passing minute it seemed to spread, making me feel more and more consumed with dread. I fucking hated time right now, I hated it so fucking much for being so goddamned constant when I wanted it to just fucking stop.
I took a drink from my glass and set it down before beginning to put my clothes on. I wasn’t trying to rush shit, in fact, I planned to stay long enough for whatever to happen. I didn’t know, I just knew I wasn’t quite ready to go. But I also knew that when I was ready to go, I wouldn’t want anything holding me back, I’d just want to open the door and leave. So it was better to get prepared for it now. And once my jeans were back on, shirt, and belt fastened I sat back down.
The particular spot that I was sitting was exactly where I had been sitting when I showed her the video. Everything that happened from that point on replayed over in my mind. The topic of me leaving, the fight, her gift… My eyes widened. I had wanted nothing more than to just explain to her, but I couldn’t. That fucking bug in my wrist made that impossible but… I quickly shuffled around, looking for a pen and paper. It didn’t take long, I guess that was the perks of being in the home of a fucking artist.
I scribbled something down and turned the pad around so she could see. Maybe I was being paranoid, maybe they couldn’t hear me inside of her home, but what had happened earlier when I nearly mentioned Lilith’s name out loud had me fucking nervous. The writing on the front of the pad read ‘’Don’t speak, just nod. Do you still want to know where I’ve been?’’
I pulled away.
I still just wanted to fucking kiss her and never stop. I had to physically pull myself off of her to avoid it. And when I was off of the bed and heading towards the doorway, I had to mentally repeat to myself, over and over and over again ’’Keep going, just keep going’’ otherwise I knew I would get back into her bed with her and never leave. It wouldn’t work, there’s no way it would work and it would fall apart, we could never be. I had to control myself, I had to refrain, because I had to protect her from the pain of that outcome.
I picked up my jeans on the way out, and continued into her living room, tossing them on the couch beside my shirt before heading towards the empty bottle. I passed it and managed to find two glasses.
I carried both glasses to the couch. It felt like there was some kind of fucking plague inside of me. Each passing minute it seemed to spread, making me feel more and more consumed with dread. I fucking hated time right now, I hated it so fucking much for being so goddamned constant when I wanted it to just fucking stop.
I took a drink from my glass and set it down before beginning to put my clothes on. I wasn’t trying to rush shit, in fact, I planned to stay long enough for whatever to happen. I didn’t know, I just knew I wasn’t quite ready to go. But I also knew that when I was ready to go, I wouldn’t want anything holding me back, I’d just want to open the door and leave. So it was better to get prepared for it now. And once my jeans were back on, shirt, and belt fastened I sat back down.
The particular spot that I was sitting was exactly where I had been sitting when I showed her the video. Everything that happened from that point on replayed over in my mind. The topic of me leaving, the fight, her gift… My eyes widened. I had wanted nothing more than to just explain to her, but I couldn’t. That fucking bug in my wrist made that impossible but… I quickly shuffled around, looking for a pen and paper. It didn’t take long, I guess that was the perks of being in the home of a fucking artist.
I scribbled something down and turned the pad around so she could see. Maybe I was being paranoid, maybe they couldn’t hear me inside of her home, but what had happened earlier when I nearly mentioned Lilith’s name out loud had me fucking nervous. The writing on the front of the pad read ‘’Don’t speak, just nod. Do you still want to know where I’ve been?’’
This was... shit, I couldn't even think about what this was and what it felt like because all too soon it just wouldn't be. It would stop being present and start being past and I didn't now how I was supposed to process that. I didn't get how I was supposed to accept that it was all so goddamn fleeting and we'd already done nearly everything we could to draw it out. The last of that sleep induced fog had faded away and my mind had run through everything that led up to this moment. I almost wanted to be angry at him for waking me up because that meant facing reality. But I couldn't, because it would've happened anyway even if he'd done nothing. I would've woken up eventually and maybe he would've already been gone. I couldn't decided whether that would've been worse or better.
My breath left in a sharp exhale when he spoke.I know. I'd guessed as much when I'd fully come to my senses. But not being surprised by the words didn't make them any easier to hear. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to be dealing with this of what would be easiest. I knew him sticking around for awhile longer would only make this harder but I still nodded my head when he mentioned doing exactly that. That'd be- I mean... yeah. I want you to stay. While you can. I looked away from him, pulling my gaze from his when keeping it there proved too difficult. I get it. I knew that... I knew it couldn't be put off for long but- I stopped looking back up at him, unable to finish what I'd started to say. That I'd known but wished we could anyway. This was so fucking unfair.
I sat up and pushed the sheet off myself as he moved away, sliding to the edge of the bed. I could hear him leaving the room but I didn't see it. I was staring at the wall, not even seeing it but just... God, I needed to get myself together. I shook my head and stood up, grabbing my sweats from the floor and stepping into them while already trying not to think about how they got there because that whole experience had been so... different. This wasn't anything like that. I didn't want to mix that memory with this one, I wanted it untouched by any sort of finality. I grabbed my shirt then and pulled it on as I followed him out into the living area.
When I looked around I couldn't help but link the space with things that had happened and I almost couldn't believe any of it had even taken place. I didn't know if it felt like if had happened forever ago or if it seemed like just seconds had passed.What? I asked, brow furrowing in confusion before I looked at him, then at the empty bottle. I almost opened my mouth to ask about it but I didn't, just shook my head again and started forward. Yeah there's more. I said, reaching past him and pulling another bottle out of the cupboard just beside the sink and leaving it on the counter even as he was already filling the glasses with water. Nothing like having no options to make you think of even the most insignificant ones. The action had brought me closer to him and I actually paused, hesitating and glancing up at him before I turned and moved away before he could.
I collapsed onto the couch, letting my head fall back and just stared up at the ceiling but even that couldn't stop me from noticing it when he started getting dressed. I didn't look but I was still wholly aware of it happening. I clenched my jaw so hard that it started to hurt and it was like inside I was panicking, my heart thumping loudly and my stomach roiling but on the outside I was stone. Just totally frozen until he sat down too and I pulled my head away from the back of the couch and looked at him. I wanted to say something. Hell, I wanted to say a hundred and one things but I didn't know where to start. But then he was up and for a second I thought he'd decided to go right then and any words I'd started to form died in my throat.
It was the second time I'd made an assumption like that tonight and, it turned out, the second time I'd been wrong. I frowned as he started moving around like he was looking for something.What are you doing? I asked, but he was already returning with... a pad? I frowned as he started writing wondering what the hell was going on but before I could ask again he was turning it so I could read the words he'd written. I blinked in confusion as I read, looking up at him again slowly and nodded. Yes I wanted to know. I remembered what I'd felt on his back, my chest tight at the thought of something happening to him. I really wanted to know.
My breath left in a sharp exhale when he spoke.
I sat up and pushed the sheet off myself as he moved away, sliding to the edge of the bed. I could hear him leaving the room but I didn't see it. I was staring at the wall, not even seeing it but just... God, I needed to get myself together. I shook my head and stood up, grabbing my sweats from the floor and stepping into them while already trying not to think about how they got there because that whole experience had been so... different. This wasn't anything like that. I didn't want to mix that memory with this one, I wanted it untouched by any sort of finality. I grabbed my shirt then and pulled it on as I followed him out into the living area.
When I looked around I couldn't help but link the space with things that had happened and I almost couldn't believe any of it had even taken place. I didn't know if it felt like if had happened forever ago or if it seemed like just seconds had passed.
I collapsed onto the couch, letting my head fall back and just stared up at the ceiling but even that couldn't stop me from noticing it when he started getting dressed. I didn't look but I was still wholly aware of it happening. I clenched my jaw so hard that it started to hurt and it was like inside I was panicking, my heart thumping loudly and my stomach roiling but on the outside I was stone. Just totally frozen until he sat down too and I pulled my head away from the back of the couch and looked at him. I wanted to say something. Hell, I wanted to say a hundred and one things but I didn't know where to start. But then he was up and for a second I thought he'd decided to go right then and any words I'd started to form died in my throat.
It was the second time I'd made an assumption like that tonight and, it turned out, the second time I'd been wrong. I frowned as he started moving around like he was looking for something.
My mind had gone back to what she had said in her bedroom. That ''but'' that didn't go anywhere, because I didn't allow it to go anywhere. There weren't enough solutions or hope or scenarios left for us to work over, there was no way for it to go anywhere. Maybe we were backwards. Maybe we had things in common, but maybe we were so fucking different at the same time. She tried acceptance before anything else, and now I was at that point too. It took a while for me to get there, and even if I wasn't fully ready to accept this shit, it was hard not to.
There was so much fucking friction in this house. I could feel her when she wasn't even fucking touching me. I felt like I'd never be able to escape her scent, no matter how far away I drove after I left here. I wouldn't be able to stop hearing the shit she had said to me tonight, never. ''I'm not supposed to feel like this for you.'', ''Don't you think I wish it could be different?'', ''I don't think I can remember how to hate you anymore.''. Maybe someday hearing her voice, what she was saying, the tone she said it in, maybe someday it wouldn't fucking hurt so much to have it circling around in my mind. Maybe one day I wouldn't even hear it, maybe I'll be able to shut it off, then maybe she won't be able to fucking torment me even when she isn't around.
When I saw her head nod, I could see the confusion on her face. She'd know soon enough, she'd know what was in my wrist and she'd know everything they did and everything they told me. I didn't want to fucking show her, but I felt like I had to. I'd admitted that I loved her, and that's what made me want to save her from knowing. But as her alpha, and as my warlord, she needed to know. It was business first, it had to always be business first. But how the fuck could I protect her if I couldn't put my feelings for her first? Fuck it was too hard to comprehend, there was no way around it.
I turned so I could face her. The memories of what happened came and went on their own, but something about purposely bringing them up was worse, but I did. My expression was already tense as I continued to think about it, but I kept on. My eyes met hers and I tapped my finger against my temple, trying to tell her everything she wanted to know was in my head...
There was so much fucking friction in this house. I could feel her when she wasn't even fucking touching me. I felt like I'd never be able to escape her scent, no matter how far away I drove after I left here. I wouldn't be able to stop hearing the shit she had said to me tonight, never. ''I'm not supposed to feel like this for you.'', ''Don't you think I wish it could be different?'', ''I don't think I can remember how to hate you anymore.''. Maybe someday hearing her voice, what she was saying, the tone she said it in, maybe someday it wouldn't fucking hurt so much to have it circling around in my mind. Maybe one day I wouldn't even hear it, maybe I'll be able to shut it off, then maybe she won't be able to fucking torment me even when she isn't around.
When I saw her head nod, I could see the confusion on her face. She'd know soon enough, she'd know what was in my wrist and she'd know everything they did and everything they told me. I didn't want to fucking show her, but I felt like I had to. I'd admitted that I loved her, and that's what made me want to save her from knowing. But as her alpha, and as my warlord, she needed to know. It was business first, it had to always be business first. But how the fuck could I protect her if I couldn't put my feelings for her first? Fuck it was too hard to comprehend, there was no way around it.
I turned so I could face her. The memories of what happened came and went on their own, but something about purposely bringing them up was worse, but I did. My expression was already tense as I continued to think about it, but I kept on. My eyes met hers and I tapped my finger against my temple, trying to tell her everything she wanted to know was in my head...
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Index :: West Elkton :: Residential
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