Index was once a small and close-knit community, but the town located on the western side of Washington state has grown in recent years beyond anyone's expectations. It is the ideal place for those who work in Seattle but can't afford the city's high real estate prices, and for others the natural beauty attracts them to the town. And Index truly is a beautiful place - surrounded by thick evergreen trees, tall mountains and glistening rivers and lakes. While weather is typically rainy with overcast skies even this does nothing to take away from the beauty of the town, and it is only highlighted further when the heavy snow graces the town and caps the mountains in winter. To many, Index would seem like a paradise. And yet lurking beneath this visual beauty there is more to this town than anyone might ever imagine...

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 [Private] Tents - Page 4

[Private] Tents

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Re: [Private] Tents

Helios Tallon | Army of God; Chief

Posted on Wed Jun 03, 2015 8:35 pm

Both of my jobs are run by the Catholic Church, Lenny. Even as a hunter, I am required to be a leader, a Priest. While there is a part of me that does want to agree with you, there is another part of me that cannot. I owed everything to base. I owed everything to the church for giving me the tools I needed to accomplish what I wanted to accomplish in life. Even if a very selfish part of me wished some things were different, another part of me knew I just needed to overcome that and learn more discipline, I needed to learn how to not give in to temptation. I did not expect Lenny to understand, and not in a bad way either. There was no way for him to understand, because I had come to the conclusion we did not share the same beliefs. It was actually impossible for him to understand.

When he voiced his next question I just gave him a look. One that was very clear that I never exactly said I was talking about him, but it was definitely implied that he was. If you are, you are. If you are not, you are not. I pass no judgement, I only care. I knew enough about him to piece it all together. What had happened to him was incredibly traumatic, to assume it would not effect several aspects of his life would be ignorant.

Hmm... Yeah. I nodded, understanding completely where he was coming from. We have specialists. Therapists that know about supernatural creatures and help people move on from their experiences. I am just not sure if we have those kind of resources here yet. I was just speaking freely. I knew saying that would not help his situation at all, because he needed someone here that could actually help him, he did not benefit from knowing about them but not having them near. No, no, not at all Lenny. I do not mind discussing these things with you, and I will always do my best to help you, even if that means just listening sometimes, when you feel like letting things out. I felt badly because I wanted to help him. I really did. Something told me my point of view and outlook on the more intimate aspects of a relationship was not the majority. Do you... Do you want to enjoy it again? Wanting to move past it had to have been the first step, then from there on it was all about actually putting in the effort to move past it. Which was easier said than done, but hope was so incredibly important.

His question was a tough one to answer. So I did the best I could to answer it without making it seem like I did not have problems I needed to work through. I tend to just focus on work. It seems to make any problems I have feel less problematic.

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Re: [Private] Tents

Lenny Tronconi | Army of God; Hunter

Posted on Thu Jun 04, 2015 4:17 am

Quote Begin Yeah... but I mean, would they really care? If they knew you did stuff, but it wasn't obvious, um.. sorta like, everyone speeds, and the cops know everyone does it, right, but it's okay if you don't do it in front of them?Quote End I tried to explain, tilting my head to rub my cheek against the blanket beneath me. I groaned sleepily, wanting to move again but not wanting to put in the effort. Quote Begin Y'know it's.. it's a lot to give up?Quote End I looked to Helios sadly, feeling sorry for him in a way, Quote Begin So if you do stuff but no-one finds out, I mean, you could do that, it's not like you'd be.. hurting anyone.Quote End I thought that if someone wanted fun, or to have sex, if possible it should be up to them. It wasn't as if Helios was hurting anyone else by doing that or making decisions.. and why should it be the church's business if he wanted to, anyway? The church could fuck off.

I finally summoned the energy to move and shifted onto my stomach with my arms underneath me, pulling at a blanket from underneath me and half-heartedly wrapping it round my arms. I'd probably end up with a crick in my neck from having it turned to face Helios but my thoughts were obviously on other things.

My mind stayed on Helios saying he cared, the words repeating over in my head and for some reason seeming strange. I couldn't get my head around it properly. It was so nice, beyond nice even, and I didn't know how to deal with it. So I chose not to. Quote Begin They sound good.. I guess it'd be cool if there were some round here, I mean, if they actually are good. I've heard some shitty stuff about some therapists. But It guess they're good, to be there for people and shit. If they were there.Quote End It was difficult trying to talk about one thing when my thoughts were still on the caring issue. Was that why he listened? I decided to not think about it, because it made me feel weird. Quote Begin Are you sure? About listening? It's just that, uh, that was one of the things my therapist said, that even if I want to talk, it's not easy for me, but it can be tough for people that listen too, or they might not feel comfortable with it or shit, and I, I dunno, it's weird, but I get that. It makes me tired.Quote End I shrugged, thinking of people I had told, who had known, and who had slowly disappeared from my life. It was difficult not to put the two together sometimes and wonder if that had been the reason they weren't round anymore. Quote Begin I dunno if I'd have listened to anyone about that before all this stuff happened.Quote End I said, snaking one of my hands up at to chew at my nails as I thought.

I stopped, mouth around one of my fingers, and frowned at Helios when he asked me - did I want to enjoy it again?. My face heated up slightly at the unusual personal conversation we were having - that I was having with Helios. I did talk to him about a lot of things, but I'd never expected him to be comfortable talking about things of this nature. It wasn't a bad thing, so much as just unexpected that he wasn't uncomfortable and attempting to move the conversation on or brush over it.

I gave a small, slow nod, my head brushing against the material I was laying on. The same as when I spoke with Dan, I had a nervous, hard-to-breathe fullness in my chest, a consciousness that any word I said might be the wrong one and provoke a negative reaction like I expected them to. It wasn't that I expected Helios to do that personally - it was anyone, and as stupid as I felt that feeling was sometimes, it still hadn't gone away. Quote Begin Yeah.Quote End I finally replied, and glanced up to Helios. It felt obvious to me, but still strange to admit it. Quote Begin Yeah, obviously I do, I mean.. I guess that's why I got with Jesse. try and be normal again and all that stuff, but it's.. it's complicated.Quote End I shook my head, at the thought, at the frustration and hopelessness of it all.

Quote Begin ...yeah, I guess work helps.Quote End I agreed, looking at Helios and studying him, wondering what problems he might have - if he even had any. At the same time as work helping, though, I'd tried to do the whole focusing on other things and acting like nothing was wrong, but the problems sneaked their way back into my life somehow, even when I'd tried to avoid anything to do with it. Quote Begin I dunno. It helps me, sort of. It just doesn't make shit go away either?Quote End I tilted my head, expression questioning whether Helios would understand that. I could go to work and be busy and everything would seem like it was okay, but at the end of the day I'd still have to go home. Things would still happen. Someone who looked similar or sounded similar would come into the shop, or a certain scent or word would have everything rushing back. There was no getting away from it.

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Re: [Private] Tents

Helios Tallon | Army of God; Chief

Posted on Thu Jun 04, 2015 6:34 pm

Perhaps it was wrong of me to speak so freely. I had not exactly expressed to him what being Priest meant, that being that I was in essence, the church. A part of it anyway. And it was not right for me to... The entire situation was complex and filled with hypocrisy. If I were to tell him that I did not want to, and tell him that it is my job to avoid temptations such as that, and explain to him it felt morally wrong for me to do such things when it was my own choice to live my life without those things in it, he would not understand. I had just told him that I had experienced those things, and I knew I would again. It was just so incredibly hypocritical and complex that it was impossible for me to win no matter what I said regarding it. As strange as it may sound, I would be hurting myself. I left it at that.

I can make a call when I get back home if you would like me to? I cannot promise they will be here instantly, but I am sure I can talk someone into coming into town. We need someone anyway, as there are others out there that might benefit from them. It was about time that we began obtaining all of the services the organization could provide. We had been made an official establishment in this town, and now we needed their resources.

Of course I do not mind listening. I will not pretend that some topics are one-hundred-percent easy for me, but not much in life is easy. Who better to talk unconventional topics with than an unconventional man? I felt that I could understand him better, simply because I knew the whole story. Or at least I believed I did. Not much made me cringe or distance myself from those I was working for. Really, for now, I was probably the only person that truly could understand and handle it all at once. It actually made me feel less useless.

I shifted, placing my arm under my head for more support and tried to figure out how I wanted to ask him the question I wanted to ask. It all made sense now. I did not see them together, only the once. But the things Lenny said about him gave me the feeling he was unhappy. Maybe he did like Jesse, maybe Jesse did like him, but Lenny's past was making things too hard. I am sorry I have not...I was beginning to feel badly about it again. I am sorry I have not found him yet and taken care of the problem. I cannot help but feel like you cannot truly begin healing until I have found him and taken care of him. I want nothing more than for you to have your life back, all aspects of it.

I have come so close... So many times... Lenny's honesty with me brought another feeling of guilt to the surface. I knew what I wanted to say was not right. But I could not help the feeling that it would help him in some small and strange, but comforting way. Maybe it would not be immediately and obviously helpful, maybe it would. I do not remember if I ever told you why I came here, to Index. I know I can be a... Very silent man at times, especially when it comes to certain topics. I did owe him this, did I not? I cannot remember what I chose first. I do not know if I wanted to be a priest first, or a part of the organization first. It feels like a lifetime ago, but I tend to tell myself that I wanted to be a part of the organization first. A childhood memory makes me feel that maybe that is true.

I would have agreed to help you regardless. I want you to know that first before I say what I am about to say, and I do hope you believe that to be true. But that childhood memory was of a man with pale skin and deep blue eyes. He offered to walk my mother and myself home. I do not remember the details, aside from his eyes, and um... What he did to my mother. You came to me and you described him as pale skinned with deep blue eyes. That is not a very common attribute. I was sent to Index, but I must admit I have never been one to strictly follow the rules of the organization. I came willingly, because I had tracked that man here, to this town. And when you first gave me that description of him, my heart sunk because I felt guilty. I have been tracking him for... a while. I felt guilty because had I have caught him sooner, none of this would have happened to you Lenny. I could have spared you and countless others.

It did not feel right. I did not feel that sense of comfort wash over me as I anticipated I would. In fact, I felt worse. I did not like speaking of my past, not with myself, not with anyone. It was painful, yes, but that was not why. The past was unchangeable, the future is. It was that simple. No, I imagine it does not. I admitted. After what I had just told him, it would feel wrong of me to lie and pretend work would make things easier for him. My work was not easy, but I was also able to spend my time at work trying to find the source of our misfortune. That did make things better, if only a little.

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Re: [Private] Tents

Lenny Tronconi | Army of God; Hunter

Posted on Fri Jun 05, 2015 3:13 pm

I frowned at Helios, not completely understanding what he meant by hurting himself, but the topic was whisked away by others that did hold meaning for me and so I just nodded.

Quote Begin Uh.. yeah? It might help... I don't have to stick with them if they're not.. good though, right? And.. they wouldn't care I was bi? It's just.. I know you're okay with it now, but not all church people are and if that stuff's all to do with the church too...Quote End I frowned, and glanced up at Helios. While I couldn't tell Dan everything, I definitely trusted him as a therapist, not to judge who I was or my lifestyle. That hadn't been easy either and there'd been a few sessions, especially at the beginning, where I'd just sat there and not said anything at all or skirted around subjects. Dan had just been patient with me and that was one of the reasons I'd gradually been able to open up to him.

So had Helios too, which was one of the reasons I'd gradually felt comfortable talking to him too, on a more personal level rather than something more like a mere business relationship. The problem with another therapist was that I didn't trust there could be another person out there as easy to trust, when I previously hadn't wanted to trust anyone at all. After all, I'd put my trust in him at one point.

I smiled, looking down to the blanket underneath me and then glancing up at Helios to share a smile with him for his honesty. It felt weird to talk about wanting to listen and it left me feeling awkwardly speechless, but unable to stop smiling like an idiot. Quote Begin Yeah... life isn't easyQuote End While I maintained eye contact, the smile quickly morphed into a frown and my mouth gradually fell open. Quote Begin Uh, I mean, I agree with you, it's not easy, but.. uh.. I don't get what conventions have to do with it?Quote End I asked, still frowning. I felt bad for not understanding whatever it was but too confused for those feelings to stop me speaking up, because I couldn't fathom what Helios had meant at all. Unconventional person? A person who didn't work at a convention? Or who didn't like conventions? But what did that have to do with anything we were talking about?

I fell quiet as Helios spoke. I was conscious that if I said something to interrupt he might stop talking and it was the most he'd revealed to me since I'd known him, and I wanted to know. Usually I asked questions but Helios would somehow dodge them or I'd get distracted and I'd only realise later that I'd never recieved an answer. That time he was offering up the information and I didn't want to wreck it.

As I listened, a mixture of emotions played through me with each revelation. At first it was doubt, then intrigue, curiosity, shock, pity and anger. I didn't know if I was angry at Helios for not doing something to help me, or him because of how he'd affected Helios too. I'd had no idea. I didn't know which emotion to feel. His mother.. his mom. Helios hadn't said what had happened to her but my brain supplied a similar scenario that had happened to me and it made me feel nauseous. If I'd found out something like that had happened to my mom.. I couldn't even think about it. I didn't want to think about it. The way Helios worded it had made him sound young and that only made it worse. And despite all that, he had been trying to catch him too. It only made me realise how much of a monster he was, how evasive he might have been to so many people. How many others might have been affected by him...

I sniffed, picked at a nail and met Helios' eyes as the emotions continued to wage inside me. I cleared my throat and couldn't help frown.

Quote Begin Yeah...Quote End I frowned further, knowing I wanted that to be true, for it to have not happened to me. But I couldn't feel angry at Helios, not really. Not properly. Not when he'd said about his mom, and he wasn't just a hunter anymore, or someone doing what he did for a job, but because Helios was another person he'd hurt. Quote Begin I mean... I wish you'd caught him and it hadn't happened.Quote End I let out a bitter sigh and took a few seconds to try and calm down, recollecting my thoughts, Quote Begin But then... if someone had caught him before what he did to your mom, then.. none of it would have happened at all, and that would have been better, but it's.. it's not like that.Quote End I tried to stress. Did I wish I could turn back time? Yes. I'd spent so long thinking about it I could easily offer up a multitude of different scenarios. But thinking about it that much also meant I knew it couldn't happen and that fixating on it just made you end up nowhere, or worse - in a bad place. I'd at least learned that since seeing Dan, whether it was with his help or on my own. Quote Begin The stuff that's happened, it's... happened. Anything I could have done to stop it, or make it different, or you, or anyone else.. it's already happened. Quote End I closed my eyes for a second, thinking of all the things I could have done differently that might have changed what had happened before trying to push them out of my mind. Quote Begin And we don't even know if anything we did would've changed shit anyway.Quote End I said quietly, thinking of something Dan had told me when I'd been fixated on what I'd done to cause it. Even if I acted differently, he'd still chosen to do it. If Helios had acted differently, for all we knew he could have ended up in my position, or worse. We didn't know. We just had to deal with what had happened, as much as I wished I didn't.

I shifted, glaring intensely, but while I was looking at Helios the glare wasn't for him. Quote Begin I want him gone, I do, I can't.. I can't help it. But...Quote End I lowered my voice even further, and pushed my face towards the blankets, Quote Begin I think, sometimes, I just.. even when he's gone, if he was gone, it might make me feel better, I dunno, but..Quote End I shook my head bitterly, Quote Begin It's not going to make the stuff he did go away, or the stuff he said go away. What if.. there's stuff that'll never get better?Quote End I barely whispered. I'd progressed, I knew that. I'd already healed in some ways and I'd been able to recognise and admit that to myself. But there was a gripping fear within me that some aspects of what he'd done couldn't be healed, that would never get away. Not even with time like so many people seemed fond of saying.

There was a strange sound on the tent above us, and then another, and another. I jumped and stared upwards in fear - until I realised it had started to rain. More pattering sounds followed along with the hush of rainfall on the woodland outside.

I laid down again, more relaxed than I'd been before I'd reacted, and looked at Helios. The solar light beside us had faded but still gave enough light for me to see his face, and the emotions that had flashed across it while he'd been talking.

Quote Begin I'm sorry.Quote End I said quietly, because throughout everything I's said, I'd been unable to stop thinking about Helios' mother. I'd been through so much myself but it didn't help me with what to do or say when I was on the other side of a similar situation. I still felt awkward and like everything I did or said was wrong. I went quiet again, thinking. Quote Begin You definitely think it was him? That.. they're the same? Quote End I asked, struggling to cope with my emotions. I didn't know what to do. It wasn't that I didn't believe Helios, but that I couldn't believe the whole situation, how personally Helios was effected after all this time assuming he hadn't been.  Quote Begin I just... I'm sorry. And.. don't feel bad. Quote End I uncurled my arm and reached out towards Helios, but stopped before I touched him and withdrew slightly, unsure. I was just frustrated that after all of this, after all that had happened and everything Helios had done, he should have to feel bad at all.

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Re: [Private] Tents

Helios Tallon | Army of God; Chief

Posted on Fri Jun 05, 2015 7:25 pm

Of course not. But I think it would be worth a try. I would also make sure to set you up with someone that would not hold your sexual preference against you. I do not believe anyone should, as my belief system tells me it is not up to humans to pass judgement, but of course not everyone thinks that way. I tried to reassure him, and tried even harder to make the memory of this conversation stick so I could contact base. Or have someone else contact base for me. They had a tendency to trust the word of my allies, and grant favors for my allies, but not my own, not for me.

Oh no, I mean... My life is not standard, it is not considered common. Just like your situation to a lot of people that have not experienced it, it would be considered uncommon. I felt like I was making it more confusing for him, while at the same time making it more confusing for myself. I was not trying to say we were different, as some people could find that word offensive, especially people like Lenny who craved some sense of normalcy in his life, and rightfully so. I just did not know how to explain, as I often did with him. I just wish I could help you sooner rather than later. We are both stuck in a time of feeling helpless until I do.

You are right. He really was, and as I listened to him continue on I could not help but realize how right he was. There is no going back, there is no changing what has already come to pass. Even if there was a way, it was entirely possible that those horrible experiences were meant to happen, and catching him would not have allowed us to evade tragedy. We would have just experienced another fit of Murphy's Law in our life, another thing we would need to recover from. I did not know if I believed that entirely, but who was I to deny it completely? The thought of it did give me a feeling of helplessness however, that neither him, nor I, had any control over the events that made up our lives. I like to think that it would have made a difference for you had I caught him sooner. It is a thought that fills my mind with guilt, but it is bittersweet because it helps me believe that I do have some level of control, that I am not just hunting the supernatural for no reason at all. I like to think that I can help people, and spare them from experiencing at least one of the horrors in life. I like to think that saving them from the creatures I hunt does not just make room for a different tragedy to take place.

I felt guilty again, starting to think that what he had said before might actually be completely true. I felt obligated to at least try and believe it, because he was right. Justice did not heal. Time is relentless... But it is also forgiving. Killing him will not make everything he did go away. Justice will not mend the internal wounds he has opened. But I do believe that time, as relentless as it is, effort, as difficult as it may be sometimes, and hope will work in your favor. The pain may never completely go away, it might, but might not, but I have to believe that it will get better for you. It will get easier, and you will come to enjoy the things in life that he took away from you. I did feel that to be true, I believed it so strongly that I wished there was a way for me to put it into words. I wished there was a way I could convince him of it.

There is no reason for you to be sorry, but... I paused, feeling uncomfortable over the entire topic. It was incredibly unfair of me to put the weight of my own story on his shoulders. Maybe he would not carry that weight with him, but I felt it just brought out another unpleasant feeling within him and it was entirely my fault. Thank you. Just know that I am okay now. Time has healed what I could not. I lied. There have been many warning signs, many similarities, many, many, things that make me believe it could be the same vampire. I cannot say for certain, or more, I refuse to say for certain because coincidences do happen, but I strongly believe it is him.

I did not flinch, even if I did not enjoy anyone even attempting to comfort me. It was my job to provide comfort, not receive. It was not only my job, it was who I was. I was increasingly feeling a sense of regret and guilt. It was building up inside of me like a snowball, growing larger and gaining momentum as it swelled in the pit of my stomach. What possessed me to put this on him when he already had so much to deal with? What made me think this would make it better for him? I think it is good by the way. - I mean, you trying to have a relationship. Maybe it did not work out, but your effort... I think that was good for you. It was good of you.

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